Widow's Voice

That Autumn Sadness

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I can feel the fall air approaching. Where I live (in Georgia), we often have what we call “False Fall” where we get a little taste of cooler, less humid days, and then we are right back to 90 degrees and sauna-like air. I am not sure if what I am sensing is just our tease of fall or if it is here to stay, but I know that everyone around me (and on social media especially) is VERY excited for this season always. The pumpkin spice, the flannel shirts, the boots, going to pumpkin patches, etc. Everyone loves fall. And I really want to love fall, too. I like that I can go on more walks because the weather is so nice, I like desserts with apples, and I love wearing cozy sweatshirts. But, every fall I feel sad. The first day of the crisp fall air always brings about a melancholy feeling and honestly some existential dread. Fall is when I feel my seasonal depression the most. While everyone else is living their best autumn life. 

Today, the weather is cool, so it is starting to creep in, and I wondered to myself, have I always felt this way or did it begin after Boris died? And, then I considered that maybe I had symptoms of depression and anxiety before Boris died, but maybe I didn’t realize it. The year before he died, I learned so much about mental health conditions, even more than what I learned in my graduate degree in social work program. And then when he died I was immediately immersed in therapy, books, etc. about my own responses to his very traumatic death. About 9 months later, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and prescribed medication. And I know that what I was experiencing was directly related to what I’d experienced with his death, however, I wonder if my seasonal depression and the sad feelings I get around seemingly unrelated things are connected to Boris…or are they just because? Maybe now I am just more comfortable with the feelings. Maybe before I just covered them up and pushed through more easily. It’s so hard to parse out what is related to him and what is not. And, then it begs the question, does it really matter? And, isn’t everything in my life somehow connected to that experience? It colored my entire worldview and shaped who I am–so how do I know what is related and what is not?

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.