I have a recurring dream that Boris has come back to life (or returned from being mysteriously gone for 4 years). It happens less frequently than it used to, but the other night it happened again. In this dream, he was back and I was ecstatic and ready to return to our relationship where we left off. I was flirting with him and touching his arm, and asking him about what we were going to do later…like he’d been away on a trip and I was excited to be with my boyfriend again. But, he was being very standoffish and cold. He was brushing me off and not reciprocating my physical touch or my interest. Finally, at some point in the dream, I asked him what his problem was and why he wasn’t acting like he was my boyfriend and he got silent. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said no. My heart was completely broken and crushed. I began crying and asking him what happened… full-on meltdown. I don’t remember how the dream ended exactly, but I know there was not a happy ending.
I am writing about that this week because I think it is important to document these hard things that still haunt us, even years after a person has died. The day after the dream I was grumpy and in a weird fog and images of the dream kept popping up in my brain all day, and even into the next couple of days. And, as I am writing this now, it has been almost a week since the dream and I can still feel the impact of it. It haunts me because it felt so real and it haunts me because my brain keeps saying, what if that is true? Or what if in those final days of his life he had fallen out of love with me? What if this dream was a sign from him?
Because our relationship was strained at times and because he died by suicide, I have always struggled with insecurities around our love, how I loved him, and what could have been done better. These dreams just add fuel to that doubt and guilt.