Widow's Voice

Bad Dreams.

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I have a recurring dream that Boris has come back to life (or returned from being mysteriously gone for 4 years). It happens less frequently than it used to, but the other night it happened again. In this dream, he was back and I was ecstatic and ready to return to our relationship where we left off. I was flirting with him and touching his arm, and asking him about what we were going to do later…like he’d been away on a trip and I was excited to be with my boyfriend again. But, he was being very standoffish and cold. He was brushing me off and not reciprocating my physical touch or my interest. Finally, at some point in the dream, I asked him what his problem was and why he wasn’t acting like he was my boyfriend and he got silent. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said no. My heart was completely broken and crushed. I began crying and asking him what happened… full-on meltdown. I don’t remember how the dream ended exactly, but I know there was not a happy ending. 

I am writing about that this week because I think it is important to document these hard things that still haunt us, even years after a person has died. The day after the dream I was grumpy and in a weird fog and images of the dream kept popping up in my brain all day, and even into the next couple of days. And, as I am writing this now, it has been almost a week since the dream and I can still feel the impact of it. It haunts me because it felt so real and it haunts me because my brain keeps saying, what if that is true?  Or what if in those final days of his life he had fallen out of love with me? What if this dream was a sign from him? 

Because our relationship was strained at times and because he died by suicide, I have always struggled with insecurities around our love, how I loved him, and what could have been done better. These dreams just add fuel to that doubt and guilt.

 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.