I am not a single parent. I am a solo parent. It was only a few months after Erik’s passing that I was out of town. Everything during this time was still painful. Waking up, breathing, pretending to smile, existing – it was all so painful. I was on my way to the airport to […]
Widowed Suddenly
And the story changed forever…
Author’s Note: Thank you Emma, for the introduction and warm sentiments. I will continue to carry on the Girl Tuesday role for those that are walking this similar path. I look forward to keeping up with your journey and following you at http://www.widowingemptynests.com. Thank you for sharing your story and love with us, you will […]
Camp Widow Squad
Today I traveled home from my third trip to Camp Widow, San Diego. It is so hard to put into words how special this weekend is for me. For me, there is immense comfort in finding other widow(er)s who also lost their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/person to suicide. Our loss is traumatic in a way that can be […]
Grief by Taylor Swift Albums
In the early months after Boris died, I remember a close friend telling me that her husband sometimes will have a hard time remembering if a certain song was out or a current event had occurred before or after his sister died. It had been many years since her death, but I remember thinking how […]
Another Trauma Reminder
CW/TW: This post contains a discussion of suicide. I am currently enrolled in a Ph.D. program at Georgia State University, where I also received my undergraduate and master’s degrees. It is where Boris and I attended college together, and where he was attending for his master’s when he died. GSU holds a special place in […]
Undercurrent of Fear
Fear isn’t always something we always talk about with widowhood. Losing Tony to suicide has put an undercurrent of fear beneath all of us who held him dear. This isn’t to say that we live our lives in constant fear, but it creeps out faster for us. When I call my mom at a weird […]
Texts.
Sometimes I do what I call “pressing the bruise” and look at something or do something that I know will trigger my grief or feel sad. This week, I did one of those things and I read through saved text messages with Boris. And yeah, it did hurt. Especially the messages where I was angry […]
Ambition Loss
Because I am in a Ph.D. program, I get this question a lot: “what are you going to do with that?” or “what are you going to do when you graduate?” And, it is a normal question, and one I have probably asked many times to people who mention that they are in a degree-seeking […]
Time Travel
Fellow widow (and author, podcaster, etc.) Nora McInerny asked on her Instagram story this week, “if you could time travel back to when your person was alive, what would you do?” Of course, this question had me thinking all day about it, trying to come up with the best answer. When your person dies by […]
Grief Work
Over the past 6 months or so I have started to realize how much more grief work I have to do. I think I went through a period where it felt like I had done it all. Not that I was “over it” or everything was better, but that I’d sort of worked through everything […]
Joy and Melancholy
Yesterday was my oldest son’s birthday. This Thursday will mark two years since Tony’s death. It is hard to hold both of those dates in my heart so close together. The date that we became parents for the first time with the date we all lost him. Joy and melancholy fold in on themselves. This […]
Anxiety
This past week I attended two conferences out of town. It was a whirlwind week, and I felt like I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I planned to get a lot of other work done in my hotel room and in between sessions, but it didn’t happen. I know my time spent networking was important, […]