The reality of the seasons changing is hitting me a little differently this year. This past week we took our family photos for the upcoming season and it was the first true holiday photo session I had joined in with the twins since Erik’s passing. It didn’t feel complete because the most important person to us wasn’t there. His presence was always so strong, mostly during activities like these.
As each week continues to go by, in what I call the ‘ber months, I notice that my feelings have become more scattered but deeper than they normally are. Seeing all the decorations for each holiday that leads up to the end of the year stirs up different emotions. From sadness to nostalgia to hopefulness and everything in between. I have been trying to figure out how I want to handle the holidays this year. Last year we didn’t truly celebrate because it was just too hard. This year with the twins being older and remembering more I felt the obligation to celebrate the way we used to for them. But the more I thought about it the more I didn’t know if I could really handle that.
The start of fall was always marked by Erik coming home with the pumpkin trees because he knew how much I loved them. Since his passing each time I saw them arrive in store I would purchase them and bring them to his grave. It now marked another start of the holiday season without him.
Christmas was always like its own season for us. There were always so many traditions we did that each held its own meaning to us. It was also the season in which we got married. So I have been having a hard time figuring out what I want to do. Do I want to try to celebrate the way we used to? Would that make me feel closer to him by reminding me of the Christmases we celebrated together? Or would that be too hard? Would starting all new traditions help? Or would I just miss what we did? How do I include him in our celebrations not only for myself but for the twins? Will the mom guilt go away if I do decide it’s too hard to fully celebrate again this year? Would the twins miss out on learning what Christmas meant to us and how we used to celebrate? Would this take away the joy of celebrating that we always envisioned for their childhood? All these questions continue to run through my head each day as we near all the holiday celebrations.
And as October comes to a close, the ‘ber months blues continues.