Widow's Voice

Widowed Milestones

Weeds

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This week, I spent a couple of mornings outside in my yard using a weed eater to knock down some of the weeds that have been growing rapidly after lots of rain here in San Diego County over the last few weeks. Weed eating is hard work. Not that I am afraid or don’t like to do hard work, but it is very tiring.

What struck me is that a couple of weeks ago, I had already started to pull weeds in the yard by hand. I have never liked to pull weeds, especially by hand. In that moment, I remembered how many times Suzanne used to plead and negotiate with me to do any kind of yard work when we owned property together previously.

Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020

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This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip.  The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control.  Nothing in life is constant. 

The only thing certain in our lives is change.  Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis.  I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died.  Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me.  *Sigh.

Finding Grief in the Garbage

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This is all very strange. The world has come to a slow crawl with this corona virus and it’s a bit disorienting. I’ve had some tough times in life but I choose to focus on the positive outcomes through adversity…. Let’s all find gratitude in the garbage. I am grateful for an amazingly supportive management […]

Arriving in Community

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Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]

I Forgot…

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In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it.  We keep track of dates.  We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately attempt rough calculations – in our heads –  regarding random dates and their deadness.    We complete these elaborate calculations involving […]

Smoothing Out the Sea Glass

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The intense emotions of losing Clayton are fewer these days. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. Double-edged sword I suppose. On one hand there is constant aching you can expect day after day. On the other hand you find reprieve from the bands of meteorological mess. Joy slips in, you drop […]

Scared

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On March 15th, I will be moving into an apartment with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, Nick. We signed the lease on Valentines Day. (which was just a coincidence, but ended up feeling somewhat romantic and sweet). Over the past 8 years since Don’s death, I have moved 3 different times, finally ending up back […]

Change

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I feel change. Change in me.  And, changes around me.
If Mike’s death has taught me anything it is that change is the only thing that is constant in life.
Change is the only thing that you can know for certain.

I have changed so very much since he died I often wonder if he could come back to life if Mike and I would need some time to adjust to each other.  I am not the woman Mike knew and loved anymore.  Parts of that woman still exist, but his death has irreparably changed me.  I accept this.  I have to.

Moving Forward….

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My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard but I know that I’ll be ok. I am safe. Since Tin’s passing, I have found that my open […]