My brain and body…both are too tired to string together too many sentences.
I say too tired, but it isn’t from tiredness really, as much as it is a whole lot of stimulation in the past few days.
My mom used to say that stress happens with good and bad things both. That our body feels it as stress whatever it is.
This has been good stress in the last few days. Also, hugely emotional.
Chuck died April 21, 2013.
I set out on the road in my pink car, towing my pink trimmed trailer, on my Odyssey of Love, just a few months later, and it’s now 6.5 years later.
Last weekend I went on location to northern Arizona and Zion National Park in Utah, to begin filming a documentary about my Odyssey of Love that I’ll take out om the road, possibly by this summer.
It was surreal being on location. Completely and utterly surreal.
How is it possible that I’m doing something like this? Seriously.
I determined, this past April 21, which is always my New Year, that the time had come to do this, and fully committed to spending every last dime I have in the pursuit of doing so, because it’s time.
At different points, as we were filming, and discussing future marketing, and fundraising, my first thought was ohmygodhowamIevergoingtodothis? How will I ever figure out fundraising and marketing and venues and everything involved in this? I don’t know how to do any of what must be done.
That thought was quickly followed by shit…you didn’t know how to do any of this when you began. You didn’t know to do life without Chuck when he died at 11:21 on April 21, 2013. You didn’t know how to tow or camp or create a community for yourself. You were riddled with anxiety.
And the way I’ve done all that I’ve done is by suiting up and showing up, keeping my heart open to Love, allowing myself to stay vulnerable, with a willingness to do the footwork.
So I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing.
My heart hasn’t led me wrong yet.
Life is surreal since Chuck’s death, in every way, on so many levels. Filming this documentary is just another degree of surreal.
And I’ve got to tell you, this documentary…a Loveumentary as I’m calling it…well, all I can say is I saw some of our footage that we filmed, with the drone flying overhead as my rig, PinkMagic, flew down the road…it was fucking awesome. Fucking awesome.
I’m imagining Chuck’s reaction if he knew I was doing this.
He’d be smiling ear to ear. Not at all surprised, either.
Just smiling because he knew I’d do something with all this devastation…
And I am~