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The Ghosts of Christmas Past , Present and Future

Posted on: December 21, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Thanksgiving was a beast in itself but Christmas can be the kraken in unicorn’s clothing. I love parts of Christmas like the lights, smell of Christmas trees and giving others gifts. It’s the other parts – families gathering, couples under the mistletoe, Hallmark everything that always ends up like a fairytale…

Tin was 1000% in with Christmas. We had decorations everywhere and so many lights that 9pm felt like 9am. He lit up at the chance to decorate and wrap presents and I loved sitting on the couch and watching him wrap gifts by the tree. I just can’t get that image out of my mind every time I get a gift for someone and think of wrapping it. A chill runs and I know I’m being visited by my Ghost of Christmas Past. I want to love Christmas again but that healing is in the hands of Father Time.

So ensues the expected question:

“What are you doing for the holidays? Are you going home?”

Attempting to hold in emotional expression, “No. Not this year.”

“So your family is coming than?”

Again maintaining a neutral reaction, “Nope.”

And than it hits:

“So you’re spending the holidays alone this year?” with a clear saddened expression.

I can’t control the shoulder shrug. It’s automatic to look down at the floor so I don’t have to see their reaction but more importantly I don’t want to see my own grief in reflected back in their eyes. In an effort to search for a solution for me they continue:

“Oh well what are you doing? Going to a friend’s?”

“Ah. My friends are with their families or out of town.”

The conversation awkwardly ends and I feel worse but I’m not sure if I feel worse for myself or for the person that was just asking a “normal person’s life” question. It’s a double hit when your loss causes others to feel bad in a time when they are just looking for conversation and connection. They are less likely to reach out next time and I fight daily to ward off the cloak of widowed lonely.

Then there are the beautiful friends that see me for where I am and invite me into their home. I want to go but the opposite happens and I fear the moments when they are opening each other’s presents and I fade from sight like a Ghost of Present Time.

Now I wait. I wait for the arrival of the Ghost of Christmas Future. Is he wrapped in chains of holiday grief or is he lifted by the spirit of the season? 

 

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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