Do you think I’m going to let you just leave after telling me something like that? These were Chuck’s words as I headed to the door after confessing to him that I’d fallen in Love with him. I’d been attending meetings for adult children of alcoholics and counseling, where I practiced telling myself the truth […]
Widowed Memories
Tears of A Clown
It’s Halloween again. I used to mark my year’s passing by holidays and life events. Now that Clayton is gone, my year is filled with reminders written in grief across the days, weeks, months and seasons. My year is a grief calendar. It’s been four years since I really did anything. We dress up at […]
A Huge Moment in Northwest Texas~
It was completely unexpected. My first road trip since the pandemic began. I wasn’t towing my pink trailer, but I did add a bunch of decals to my pink car, deciding that my car needs to represent my Odyssey of Love just as much as my trailer does, covered as it is with the hundreds […]
Washing the Widowed Window
I clean. I clean the dishes. I clean the laundry. I clean the house – Well sort of. I’ll admit I clean what’s apparent, the obvious and easily seen. Since Clayton passed away, I’ve been busy with a full time job, a side business and just figuring out life. They say that grief triggers hit […]
From Devastation…to this…
I’m leaving tomorrow for my first road trip in over a year. Since settling into AZ to make a documentary about my Odyssey of Love a year ago, in fact. I only decided to do this a few days ago, but I was immediately excited, just contemplating being back out on the road. This adventure […]
Mistaken Manifestations
More and more we are seeing focus on self-growth, motivation, manifestation and talk of mindset. I get the premise and I try to practice the mentality. Yes it can change your day around if you focus on the positive but there are limits. I have to share this topic with you all so you understand […]
Where do I belong?
Life after the death of the person you love is weird. It is confusing. Mind numbing. Empty. Lacklustre. And, a bunch of other feelings and things. I’m sitting in my car typing this. I’m parked in the culdesac across from what used to be Mike’s house. Our house. The place where our little love story […]
Return To Me
Today, I find myself in Texas near Houston. A speaking engagement planned almost a year ago. It has been a long time since I have been able to travel, speak and feel the energy in a room of people. This new world we live in can be suffocating especially for a widowed man who sometimes […]
Too Much Chaos
Over the last two years, I have found that on numerous occasions, I have “bitten off a lot more than I can chew.” It has been extremely difficult to chew on some of the things I have chosen to do—mostly to distract myself from my grief—which makes it even harder to swallow. No more. Things are starting to give, and I have started to learn the power of saying “no” to things (especially those that are distracting me from my grief and my feelings)… Unfortunately, I’m still a novice.
The Double Life of a Widow~
I’m not qualifiably bipolar, but I swear I feel like I’m two people living distinctly different lives. If left on my own, supposing I had the money to do so, I’d park my rig, PinkMagic, on a beach somewhere, far away from everyone, and have as little interaction with the world as possible. I’d read […]
Widowed Weather
Almost three years ago, I flew home from a convention in Mexico. We had to fly around Hurricane Nate. I got home. Clayton and I prepped the apartment and planned to go to his mother’s house. He wasn’t feeling well and I wanted to take him to the hospital but he said we should wait […]
A moment in the Evolution of Grief…
I paused because, for the briefest of moments, Mike died all over again .
Once upon a time, Mike had stood in this very same room.
He used to take up space in the world.
And, he had a place in our lives.
I miss this place in time when Mike was real.
I imagine I always will…