In June of 2022, I had two trees planted and I call them my Tony Trees. A group of my sorority sisters had pooled money together so I could have them planted in his honor. It was a time when everyone was looking for a way to help. After sitting on it for a while, […]
Widowed by Suicide
Success Isn’t Final
Last week I got to take an all-day class on hand lettering. The session is meant as a way to get in touch with your creative side. I knew when I saw the class description it was one I wanted to take. During the wedding years of my 20s, I addressed my own and wedding […]
Milestones and Memories
Memorial Day marks the official start of summer here. The kids had their last day of school last week. I now have a senior, a freshman, and a seventh grader. Watching the kids grow is a milestone against which I sometimes compare the passage of time since Tony’s death. It’s already mind bending to realize […]
Mother’s Day with Boys
Another Mother’s Day has come and gone; six to be exact since Tony died. It is still weird to wake up on a day like Mother’s Day without him. I always take myself back in time to the last one he was alive for. He and the boys picked up the house, emptied the dishwasher, […]
April 20th
Today, April 20th, is the fifth anniversary of Tony’s death. Yesterday I thew a huge party in his honor. (More on that next week.) As a result, my heart is both empty and overflowing with love. I had a soul cleansing cry at the end of the night (which was technically today). It was good […]
Right Before
Isn’t it weird to look back on the week before their passing? Depending on the circumstances of their death, that week has a kaleidoscope of events across our widowhoods. For us, life was thrumming along. Spring was coming but the last dregs of winter were holding on. Kids sports were getting ready to hit full […]
Hobby Exploration
Over the last five years, I’ve asked myself a few times what do you want to do with your time? Are there new hobbies you want to try? Old ones to pick up? How will you fill all the time you expected to spend with your partner now that he is gone? What will bring […]
A Party to Plan
This week we turn the calendar to April. Once again, I will find myself in the month that Tony passed. What feels crazy to me is that this year will be the 5th anniversary of his death. Five years is bananas. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed. A month or so ago, […]
Anniversary Missives
St. Patrick’s Day was/is Tony and my wedding anniversary. This year, we should have been celebrating our 19th. Instead, we are always stuck at 14. Walking through the wedding anniversary grief always hits a little different. It is a striking reminder of our widowhood coupled with their death. The other big days, like their birthday […]
We Went to Church
A few weeks ago, I took the boys to Church. And by Church, I mean Eric Church. This was Tony’s favorite singer and every song he released; Tony seemed to identify with more than the last. I don’t think there was a song he didn’t like. Right after Tony passed, tickets for one of his […]
Fever Nights
Wow, last week was ROUGH. When I wrote on Monday about being sick, I had no idea what I was in for. I was down for seven days with a fever of 102 I couldn’t keep under control and exhaustion. Every night, I woke up every hour or two either chilled to the bone or […]
Sick and Tired
The last two days I’ve been sick and tired, literally. We had a busy Friday and Saturday night, and I thought I was just sore from the weekend. Then I noticed it felt like my skin hurt. That first sign your getting sick before the real symptoms set in, leaving you question if it’s real […]