Widow's Voice

My Stocking

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The Christmas décor has already been packed away. Another Christmas passed and further away from when Tony was here. I’ve convinced the kids we don’t need to put up the tree anymore. It’s so heavy and a lot of work put up and tear down.

There are no believers in my house anymore and it takes a lot of the pressure off. Christmas can still be magical for them but in a different way. I am loving this new era where a stranger in a red suit doesn’t get all the glory. There are no more worries about getting caught, as we strive to create the illusive magic.

Christmas morning, we didn’t have much to open. Each boy had 2 presents and a stocking. Don’t feel too bad for them, remember we just got back from a cruise over Thanksgiving break.

Photo by Mike Cox on Unsplash

I love the SNL skit about moms on Christmas morning only getting a robe, but it’s not even an accurate representation of being a solo parent. I had put 2 small items in my stocking, a travel cell phone stand and a meat thermometer. In total, I probably spent $30 on these two items.

I hadn’t expected the boys to go out and get anything, and I was fine with that. Then one of the boys piped in that Christmas was just an excuse for me to buy stuff for myself. He was teasing me, but it didn’t sit right.

So, I waited till I had him alone for a quiet moment. This wasn’t about shame but education. Christmas is full of women’s work, and I wanted to give him some insight. I said, I did buy myself 2 small things for my stocking this year because if I hadn’t my stocking would have been empty. Even the cats got a little something, so it would be sad to have one person who does not get anything, right? I let him know that I was always the one to buy the gifts for my stocking, even when dad was alive. Tony would always ask if I had gotten myself stocking stuffers. I always had. I never vocalized to Tony that even though I had purchased for myself, it would mean a lot if he found something I might like.

Therefore, I also let my son know, if he has a partner one day he should always get them a little something at Christmas. Even if that person tells you they have it covered; a small, unexpected gesture means a lot. I’m sad this is how he must be exposed to this lesson, but I hope it’s one he retains.

 

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 45 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 11 and 15. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.