For the first time since Tony died, I found myself in town for New Years Eve. I have spent the last four years ringing in the new year anywhere but home.

Part of me was dreading being here with all the couples I’m friends with when the clock struck midnight. The unknown of how it would feel to be with all the people I know who are planning to spend another year together. It had been so long, I wasn’t even sure how smoochy they would be. (Ewww gross.)

However, I have also felt incredibly alone on this night while traveling. In Jamaica, I remember feeling invisible just trying to order a drink and going back to the room early to cry on the veranda alone before declaring it bedtime. Then waking up at midnight during the massive fireworks display I could hear but not see.

At least at home, I would be surrounded by people who know my story. If I cry, they’ll know why and give me a hug. I set out for the night and tried not to focus on it too much.

My friends weren’t all that lovey-dovey. Somehow half of them weren’t even in the room when 2026 made its appearance. I barely even saw couples kissing. One of my friends leaned over and she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Turns out it was easier to be home. Maybe that’s because I spent 4 years away, or maybe it would have always felt that simple. No matter, what’s past is past. I hope 2026 arrived kindly to you.