Today I went to a funeral for friend whose mom passed away. I have known this friend since high school, and I think I even crashed on the couch in their basement once. I know some people avoid almost all future funerals after losing their partner. Admittedly, some of them are easier to sit through than others. But I understand how important it is to show up for your people. Even in the bewilderment I experienced at Tony’s funeral, shaking hands and hugging the hundred plus people who came through. Somehow, I know exactly who showed up and who did not.

I thought of this on my drive to the service. No, I hadn’t seen his mom since his wedding almost 20 years ago. But funerals are for the living, and I was showing up for him, his wife and their 2 kids.

After some internal debate, I stayed through most of the catholic service too. Halfway through, a woman I haven’t seen since high school came and sat next to me. We shared a few dark humor snippets about renting caskets. Then she told me she watched Tony’s service online. It never dawned on me until today how many people might have streamed it back in 2021. I remember the collective breath drawn out of the room, when they introduced me as the one to speak. She told me what stuck with her still today was at the end of the eulogy, I told Tony that I loved him, and I forgave him.

I had planned to tell him that I loved him at the end of that speech. Forgiving him in front of everyone, came to me in the moment. It was not rehearsed or even a thought before the words tumbled out. But it was the most important thing I said that day.

There can be so much anger and confusion that comes with suicide. Somehow, in the throes of it all, I needed everyone who loved Tony, me, and our children to know they had my permission to forgive him too.

I appreciated her sharing that with me today. Being at a funeral always brings me back to his in my mind. It was nice to be able to acknowledge it out loud and learn the impact of my words.