My history with food is not one of gastronomical delights. Even BCD (Before Chuck’s Death), I had no real care for food. It was something I ate to keep myself running; I was most definitely not a foodie. Widowhood struck and my relationship with food became even more tangled. I distinctly recall, the day after […]
Widowed by Illness
Done, and Doing~
How I’ve survived/lived since Chuck’s death on April 21, 2013… And, yes, I do keep track of how long it’s been. In days and moments and months and years. Yes, every moment of this life is defined by his death because the only reason I’m living this life as I am is because he died. […]
A Better Busy Bryan
Just after Clayton passed, I was forced to get a second job. I started up an online business which allowed me to work from anywhere. I wasn’t locked into a schedule, at a location with someone else’s requirements. I worked extremely hard to quickly get to a point I felt financially safe again. I hit […]
Dancing into Eternity~
It wasn’t just the dancing. It wasn’t just your arms around me when we danced. It was my hand enfolded in yours, as you held it close against your heart and turned us around the dance floor. It was the smile in your green eyes as you gazed down at my face lifted to yours. […]
The Fear in Forgetting
A regular weekend morning cleaning the house and my phone rings. It’s Judy, Clayton’s mother. I haven’t been able to get her on the phone in months. She had a stroke two weeks after Clayton passed away. She was never able to back to her home. She was flown up to Illinois to stay in […]
Living the W~
I don’t know that I have anything in me to write about tonight. I’m tired to my bones. My brain, my mind, my body, my bones. All this covid shit has just worn down my already kind of fragile sense of self. I’m tough as nails on the one hand. Sure of myself as I […]
Lost Belonging
When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]
The Oft Repeated Question~
Chuck wouldn’t want you to be sad. Don’t you think Chuck would want you to be happy? We’ve all heard this inane statement. This inane question. It doesn’t always come from the un-widowed, either. I see it frequently in the widowed community. What a pain to listen to others speak for someone they don’t even […]
One Stood Up Widow
Dating is hard enough as it is but adding the layer of “Oh I’m also widowed” changes the landscape drastically. For some of us, we don’t even think about dating and for others we have reached a point in our life where we can begin to date again. I know Clayton would want me to […]
Just…This…
I hope, someday, if it hasn’t already happened for you, that life allows you to experience the beautiful intimacy of fully entrusting your body, your heart, your soul, your very being, into the hands of a man who will hold it tenderly, and with care. Who will cherish the gift of all you are, and […]
Mothers’ Day
This is the sixth Mother’s day since Megan’s death. Shelby is now starting to actually outgrow her mother’s shoes, and she’s almost as tall at 13 as Megan was at 33. She looks like her. A real “bean pole” right now. At this age, she’s more concerned about video games, reading, riding her bike, and texting her friends than anything else. From the outside looking in, it’s almost as-if she’s forgotten about her mother.
Quarantined from Closure in a Garden of Grief
We find ourselves surrounded by closures of stores, restaurants, movie theaters, parks and beaches. Those are the closures we can tangibly see but there are so many more emotional situations we are closed off from. The one I’m feeling heavier than any other is a certain aspect of closure with the loss of a loved […]