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Remembering You on Your Birthday

Posted on: July 18, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Tuesday morning I woke up and wasn’t sure how to navigate your birthday. I went to work. I did the things. I stressed wanting to stay calm and collected but also find a way to celebrate you.

If you were here, I would have today off. We would have a lazy morning with Roan. We would go paddle boarding or fishing. We would have lunch with your mom at Red Lobster. We would have your birthday dinner at Giovanni’s or Olive Garden. I’m sad to tell you Giovanni’s (our favorite date spot here) has closed forever. Anyone who knew you knows how much you loved your food.

I didn’t have time for fishing. I didn’t have time for paddle boarding but when work ended I made sure to take you to get your birthday memory meals. I stopped at Red Lobster and ordered you coconut shrimp and garlic shrimp scampi. Of course there’s cheddar bay biscuits 😊 I toasted you with a glass of wine while I waited, sat and remembered when we paddle boarded past here wishing we owned a house right on the water.

Next stop, Olive Garden…

With a pandemic, I had to grab an appetizer while I waited. So cheers to another glass of wine and calamari. Order up! A giant chicken parm, salad and breadsticks (obviously 💁🏼‍♂️).

I stopped at the store to grab a bottle of wine and some key lime cheesecake. Key west was where we celebrated your first birthday together 🎂🌴

I headed home to take Roan out and set out our dinner. We always used the coffee table and Roan would eat with us. I even set up the diffuser with eucalyptus and lavender. Your favorites.  You would have loved it all.

I’m going to be honest, I couldn’t eat very much but at least I have leftovers for a few days. That’s just my new bachelor norm now I guess.

As I lay here and write this post, the Wednesday fireworks are going off and I’m letting myself get lost in The Neverending Story. As tough as life has gotten, somewhere deep inside I still have faith in magic and the possibilities of a fairytale ending.

Some may ask why I would go to such lengths to celebrate your birthday. It’s pretty simple. I don’t ever want you to be forgotten. I don’t ever want you to be lost. I want you to always know you are remembered, loved and that your life made a difference to so many especially to me.

I miss you so very much Tin. I hope you had a wonderful birthday.

I love you ❤️

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed Birthdays, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness, Miscellaneous

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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