I stare into the distance of everything and nothing many times during a day’s measure, And, as I stare, I see everything and I see nothing I feel everything so much that I feel nothing.Pain and grief have morphed into emptiness Which is funny and humorous except not Because my life is incredibly full With family, with new friends and old Driving…
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Happy Hellidays
Our grief manifests in a plethora of different ways, whether it be sadness and depression or laughter or anger, we each find our own outlet and tend to exhaust them. We do so in even greater concentration perhaps when it comes to the holidays. These significant events which once upon a time signified love, joy, family, and being together is now…
Wherever You Are, It’s Okay
So, here’s a fun fact: The holidays are torture for widowed people. Hell, the regular days are torture. But the holidays …. they shine a big red light on the torture, and then burn you with the beams. I’m 6 years out from my loss. This is my very first Christmas with a new love in my life. The first one in 6 years, that I feel excited to…
As this Odyssey of Love Expands~
My rig, PinkMagic. I bought her brand new following Chuck’s death. I had to find a way to continue the life that Chuck and I lived on the road. Emotionally, I just couldn’t bear to do it in the way that he and I did for 4 years; staying at lodging on military bases, and at inexpensive hotels. How tragically sad would it be…a country western…
Through the Roof
It’s been one of those weeks. My anxiety is through the roof, and Im not sure why. Well, thats not entirely true. I always know why. I’m a sudden death widow. My husband, at age 46, young and healthy and never sick a day in his life (literally – the man called out once from work in all the years I knew him, and it was so he could…
More Powerful Than a 4 Letter Word~
Widow. It’s a loaded word, isn’t it? I use the word in reference to both women and men, or I write the word widow and just add a slash and an er at the end. Because I’m a bottom line type of person, I appreciated best the definition from Thesaurus.com. Noun: woman with dead husband. That definition suits me primarily because it isn’t…
No Contact
This weekend is the first time Mike has gone out backpacking alone with zero service since we met. On previous trips, he has taken a satellite device that’s let him send me messages that he is ok. However, unfortunately it only seemed to work half the time and ended up being more of a headache than a help. So on this trip, we decided to give it a…
Setting Grief Free
Sometimes no matter what you do, the grief wave just hits you. You try, and try, and try with all of your might to not let it happen again for whatever reason you give yourself: You’re supposed to be the strong one. You’ve cried enough, it’s time to stop now. You don’t want to feel this anymore. Love, the real thing, is eternal. …
The Jury Has Made a Decision …
As a widowed person, I sometimes feel as if I’m been convicted of something. Perhaps I did something wrong, and I just dont remember. Being widowed is sort of like having to plead your case, take the Fifth, plead insanity, to a Jury of your “peers”, over and over and over Again. For some reason, when you become widowed, people seem to…
New Year’s Thanksgiving
This woman. Life was the calm and she the storm. Her favorite season. Her favorite holiday. Thanksgiving was her New Year. Thanksgiving was the day she reflected on the last year and told everyone how thankful she was to have made it to see another one. She was thankful she could experience it. She was thankful she survived it. …
Shattered Glass and Dust Motes~
This shattered glass strewn around my feet, under my feet, Glass that was once my leaping joyous joyful heart, Shattered as I shared a last breath with my beloved. Turned into a meat slicer roosting in my chest, Where my heart once beat in rhythm with his. His. Now forever stilled.And mine? Still beating. Somehow, and mysteriously. My heart that…
Present and Accounted For
It’s been a weird week. It seldom happens to me, not because I think I’m invulnerable to feeling weird or down, but mostly because my mind is too consumed in what I’m doing to pay those emotions any attention. My mind is a strong one. That’s not me bragging. It’s just true. But even strong minds have their limits. This…