Grief is time-consuming. Energy-consuming. Sometimes, it is all-consuming. Ok, so after the paperwork and ceremony of grief, there’s the therapy, the books, the support groups, etc. All hard work. But, then there’s this part that doesn’t feel like work necessarily, but it takes up all of your brain space and more importantly your TIME. Do you ever just get lost in a memory–like a daydream? And, you just have to sit there and remember it, feel it, experience it again because it is all you have. But then you realize you have work to do, laundry to fold, or phone calls to make and you try to snap yourself out of it, but it is so hard to do. Sometimes it happens when I find something unexpected, like a photo or a note. The other night I found a photo behind a photo in a frame. On the back was Boris’s handwriting. It was a punch in the heart, but actually a good one this time. I stared at it for a long time, then I cried, texted a fellow widow, took a picture of it, and then stared into space for who knows how long. And this used to happen more frequently than it does now, but I think it might always be a thing for me that takes up my time. Like, I wish I could pause time so I could have my grief moments and not lose time that I need for writing papers, reading articles, being a caregiver to my dad, cleaning, etc etc. I often wonder where my time goes. Sometimes at the end of the day, I feel like I got barely anything accomplished, yet, all of this time has gone by…what was I doing with all of these hours in the day? Perhaps some of it is these grief moments. Where I just need to cry. Or think. Or remember. Or be angry. Or lay down and pretend my life is different and Boris never died. But, there’s still a deadline. There’s still a car that needs an oil change. There’s still a cat that needs to be fed. 

Grief is WORK, y’all. At least a part-time job. Sigh. I am really tired.