I’ve been struggling with my dog, Clifford. He had a shoulder injury that seemed to be getting better thanks to the vet and pain medication. Monday I got up at 3:30am to go to work and I couldn’t find Clifford. After searching the house, I found him sitting in the bathtub just staring at the wall. Not laying down, just staring. He wouldn’t even…
Miscellaneous
Feeling Adrift
….. like someone alone in a canoe …… with no oar, no compass. I feel as though I’m living in some kind of in-between layer of life. It feels like I don’t belong anywhere anymore …… like a tree that’s been cut away from its roots. No place feels like “home” right now, or whatever “home” used to feel like. My house in Texas is on the…
Facing my Fear
I suffer from fear. A lot of it I think is normal for what I’ve been through. Fear of being alone for the rest of my days. Fear of having my heart broken. Fear of falling in love and having him die. Fear that something terrible will happen to someone I love and I’ll have to start this grief process all over again. Fear that I am getting…
Far Away
I dreamed of Dave the other night. He was alive, now. It had all been a trick. He had actually survived the heart failure and somehow I hadn’t known all this time. He was solid and real, but very changed after his near death experience and I was so relieved that he had survived. The Dave I knew was Mr. Practicality. In his opinion tattoos were…
Sticky Toffee
I’m on my way to pick up the kids at preschool and decide to stop at Panera to grab a decaf with extra, extra cream and no sugar. I wait in line thinking about all that I have accomplished in my kid-free two and a half hours when I hear the woman in front of me order a Sticky Toffee cookie. I’m transported back in time.I’m in England…
My Dreams
I’ve been haunted by anxiety lately. Everything feels so unsettled right now. Someone extremely close to my heart is facing a scary health problem. I’m forging ahead in this new life, not knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going. The holidays are looming. I wake up several times a night with a racing heart and mind. My thoughts immediately go to…
Withdrawal
Time is healing me, I suppose, but it’s also taking me further and further away from Dave. Each day that passes is more time without the love, comfort and stability he so freely gave me. As the days pile up, I’m going more and more crazy for the comfort a loving spouse can bring. It’s been so long since he’s told me he loves me, wrapped his arms…
I Don’t Like Broccoli
I’m thinking about getting a second family, one with a wife and kids. I could take out an ad in a newspaper, “Man looking for wife and kids to help him figure out his own children. Family must know man and his three children will live in another house.” That should get me married in less than two weeks.Why, do you ask, am I going all…
The F Word
F…A…T. I’m a fat widow. Yes I am. You don’t need to give me an awkward smile and insist that I’m not a fat widow. I am and I own it. I give other widowed people a bad name. I shatter the image of the grief-ridden widow/widower by eating and actually enjoying it. And I’ve been doing this for nearly three years now. I feel…
i dream of you
I’ve had many dreams of Jeff since his death. There are a few that are terrifying renditions of the last few minutes of his life; but the vast majority centre on seeing him again in a variety of surprising locations. I’ve found him on dairy farms slogging through the mud. I have glimpsed him on boats passing bridges that I stand upon. I have found…
The Closer
I want to be a closer in baseball. Or at least I want to think like one. I was watching a game on TV and one of the best closers in baseball gave up back to back home runs and his team lost the game. The next night he gets another chance to close out the game. This time: he walks the first batter, hits the second batter, and the third batter…
Midnight in Paris
I walked by the building, intentionally, on the way home from seeing Woody Allen’s new film “Midnight in Paris”, a poetic reflection on the seeming attraction of former eras. The access to the building is now sealed. Not just boarded over with plywood that I could pry loose. Not even with brick that I might be able to chip away with the right…