I reached a crisis point in my grief late last week. It was as if all the agony and devastation that lingers right under my skin suddenly became the surface of my skin and I felt like a wild animal that howls its’ pain to the night skies. It didn’t help that I’d been ill for almost a week, a vicious flu that tore up my body in every way possible.
Miscellaneous
This Dark Night of the Soul
This particular blog is one I don’t plan on editing or changing in any way. It’s completely raw writing from the darkness of this night that I’m in. I came in off the road not quite a week ago, right before Thanksgiving. My PinkMagic trailer is parked outside my son’s house here in Arizona. He recently moved in with his girlfriend, soon to be…
The Road Well Traveled
My daughter and I are nearing the end of our 6 month road adventure. It will be the end of this particular segment of my Odyssey of Love. But it doesn’t end in Arizona when I drop her off. I’m going to take a one month break off the road, visit with my son and grand-daughter, meet my son’s girlfriend and her daughter (I’m really looking…
Secluded Paths
Maggie kept the beat in our relationship when it came to social engagements. She injected me into a lively social world that held me captive to weekends packed with activities, most of which were not optional. Now, without her overwhelming influence, I find myself woefully disengaged with what I think most people would consider normal life. We had…
My Heart
My heart is raw. It breaks open easily. It doesn’t take much. Another memory of the life I lost when Mike died. Another tragic story from another new member of our terrible club. Another heartbreak from a fellow widow having made the effort to find new love and life and been hurt. Another day of pain and sadness in a friend’s ongoing attempt to…
The Flip Side of the Coin
As you all know, Cassie felt that it was time for her to share her writing spot with another widowed writer. I want to begin this post by thanking Cassie for her years of dedication to Widow’s Voice. She has changed so many lives on Monday after Monday after Monday…mine included. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us Cassie! Also, we…
A Dangerous Indulgence
I’ve been really missing my husband this week. I miss him every week, of course, but this week his absence has been palpable. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a bit of time helping a friend who has a new born baby, which is a sensitive issue for me. Maybe it’s because yesterday marked the 15-month anniversary.
Rose-scented Conversations
Language has changed for me in this time since Chuck died.I’m certain I’m not the only one who has heard people say “Your fillintheblank would want you to be happy”. Happy is one of the words that has changed for me. Happiness is a fleeting thing and I’m not concerned about being happy. Life is deeper than that for me now. I hope someday I…
My Parallel Universe
I’ve had a really tough few weeks. In some ways, it has almost felt like I’m right back at the start – crying from the moment I wake up without him in my bed until I pass out each night from exhaustion. Thankfully, it has lifted again in recent days but in the depth of this latest low I realised I was withdrawing from the people in my life in a…
What I Learned from a Visionary
I’ll be very blunt here. Christina Rasmussen, the visionary of Second Firsts, continues to help save my sanity by holding out hope. Her story helps me know that I just might get through this devastating grief brought into my soul by my beloved husband’s death. I personally don’t feel hope but I see the life she’s built after her husband’s…
The Battle
Do not be fooled by the lightness you see in me – The cool easy smile across my face. I would like to kill this silence to death. This silence in me where once stood the man of my soul. A silence louder than all the rest. Do not be fooled for a moment – For where you see my eyes shine with being You see a moment in time that I am…
Two Years Ago
Two years year ago this week, I had no concept of time. Nor of my life any longer as I knew it. Two years ago today, I was making funeral arrangements For the man I had planned to grow old with. And going from pain to disbelief and back to pain every 10 minutes Like an endless loopTwo years ago today, I was two days in to being an unwedded widow.