This morning I went for a hike out on the ranch scouting my next location for a photo shoot. I started out at a particular dry creek bed. Parked the truck, walked down a shallow slope and stood a moment taking in the world around me. This was where Drew first taught me how to shoot a gun. Back when I was so terrified of them that my hands would…
Miscellaneous
There are Places I Remember
The poem says that April is the cruellest month, but I think it might be February. In England, February is filled with grey days and clouds. We search in vain for spots of sun on the horizon. We witness the lengthening moments of daylight and cling desperately to the vague promise of spring. For widows, February brings Valentines Day, a…
Brave Love
I’m writing you tonight from my hotel room in Seattle – en route to a four-night stay in Alaska. I hadn’t really given any thought to what I was going to write today for this post, as I’ve spent the better part of the day running around like crazy. It could have been about the usual stuff of Valentine’s Day… like how bitchy I’ve been all week…
Not this…But, oh yes, This
Grief illiteracy has been on my mind quite a bit in the last couple weeks. Even if you don’t know that term, you’ll know what I mean when I tell you about my face-to-face with it. And you’ll nod your head and say to yourself (or to the room in general)….oh, yes….I keep a personal blog in addition to writing for Widows Voice, and I have for…
Traveling My New Path
As I write this, I’m sitting in a plane, flying from Los Angeles to New York. I’m back in the USA for Camp Widow East next weekend and decided to make a holiday off it, fulfilling a life-long dream of visiting the Big Apple. This is my second trip to the states and again I find it very emotional to be here without Dan, as it reminds me of all…
Go
I wrote this piece on Tuesday evening, after a very profound phone session with my grief-therapist, in which we talked about a horrible dream I had awhile back , where Don was still alive – and told me he wanted a divorce, and that he didn’t love me, and that he had never loved me. I honestly had no idea what that dream meant, or why I would dream…
And Then There was Love
I’m almost in Tampa for Camp Widow, arriving early from Arizona. This has been a long road trip for me, and taxing in a different way from my previous travels, emotionally. Perhaps it’s the knowing that this really will be for me, as so many have assured me, a life-changing weekend. This grief is exhausting and I want it to shift for me but…
An Odyssey Towards Camp Widow
There is no getting around the silence. It’s tangible and fraught with emotions. We can dress it up however we wish, but the silence that consumes every corner after our beloveds die is, almost, as palpable as their presence once was.I’m on the road again, headed to Camp Widow in Tampa, driving PinkMagic. My intention is to stay primarily at…
Leaving Me
I took a short nap tonight, which I almost never do, because I SUCK at napping. (I have trouble falling asleep, and then when I do, I want to sleep for hours, and I wake up feeling worse and more tired than before the nap, and then I can never sleep later that night because I napped during the day.) Please, good people of earth, remind me to…
The Next Chapter
Well so far, 2015 is not going as planned, as I came down with a yucky head cold on New Years Day and have spent the past few days in bed, wishing Dan were here to fuss over me.I had such grand plans of spending the last few days of my Summer holiday enjoying time with my family and friends, hitting the gym to start shaking the couple of kilos that…
Marriage Rings and Heart Strings
It’s a topic written about and commented upon, frequently. Little circles, made of gold or silver, encrusted with stones or plain. Maybe engraved. Little circles that symbolize so much. For such a tiny thing, they can wield so much power. Mine did. I loved being married to my husband. I loved our passion, I loved our friendship, I…
Widow Confusion
Widowhood is confusing to me. I suppose every huge life change is, for those in the midst of it. My mind whirls with thoughts of my husband’s final days, his death, leaving southern California in my rear view mirror, driving away from him, being out on the road without him…the memories, and the pain that go with those memories, are strong and…