We fall into our patterns and the longer we are in them the tighter they stick. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Peppered into our day are all sorts of habits. It’s the repetition that provides us comfort. We say good night and close our eyes until the next day when the sun returns. The […]
LGBTQ+ Widowed
Grief’s Rewinding
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]
Beautiful Failures
A part of being widowed is that you are forced to remember all of the relationships that didn’t work out. That sting when your first crush doesn’t like you back. That feeling life is over forever when the big high school sweetheart breakup happens. College brought a whole new world. I was getting more and […]
Gazing Through Grief
So many things have triggered my grief. It all comes down to five senses. There are the predictable ones that stand out like catching the scent of his cologne lingering in the breeze from a man passing by or the lyrics of a song that strike the strings of my heart. The taste of his […]
The Gates of Grief
I realize I have gotten to a point where I go through my week, head down and pushing things back to keep grief at bay. The weekend hits and my first day is full of errands and obligations but my second day is dedicated to allowing the gates of grief to open when I write […]
The Keeper of the Lighthouse
Grief’s gaze. I knew it as soon as I got it this week. It’s that look you get from someone who has just suffered a new great loss. It conveys so much with so little. It’s so very different from the look they give to others all around them. Yeah it’s quite a powerful look […]
I Have A Sometimes Invisible, Often Chronic, Incurable Condition – I Have Grief.
Hello, For those of you new around here, Hi I’m Bryan. I’m a director of animal care at an aquarium. I’m passionately obsessed with essential oils and environmentally safe products. I’m a son, brother, uncle, cousin and a friend. I love to dance. I love to make others smile. I want to make the world […]
Remembering You on Your Birthday
Tuesday morning I woke up and wasn’t sure how to navigate your birthday. I went to work. I did the things. I stressed wanting to stay calm and collected but also find a way to celebrate you. If you were here, I would have today off. We would have a lazy morning with Roan. We […]
A Better Busy Bryan
Just after Clayton passed, I was forced to get a second job. I started up an online business which allowed me to work from anywhere. I wasn’t locked into a schedule, at a location with someone else’s requirements. I worked extremely hard to quickly get to a point I felt financially safe again. I hit […]
What Do You Say to Someone Widowed? Exactly What You Say to Anyone Grieving…
There is just no way to gather the words to fully express the way current events are falling all around us. A pandemic, lost jobs, social upheaval and deep pain from racism. My broken widowed heart hurts for so many and it often takes my breath away leaving me speechless. So many of my friends […]
The Fear in Forgetting
A regular weekend morning cleaning the house and my phone rings. It’s Judy, Clayton’s mother. I haven’t been able to get her on the phone in months. She had a stroke two weeks after Clayton passed away. She was never able to back to her home. She was flown up to Illinois to stay in […]
Lost Belonging
When I was in high school, I had one guy friend named Matt. He was the only guy that gave this outgoing, unconventional kid a chance. The feeling of belonging holds tight space in my heart. I was supposed to have lunch one day with Matt but he didn’t come to school. At the last […]