Throughout caring for Clayton before he died, I felt the weight of responsibilities. The weight of being a caregiver and the weight of working full time, the weight of making sure medications were dosed and delivered on time, the weight of his comfort and the weight of emotions. Heaviest of all for me, the weight […]
The Upside Down
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at first but it explains my anger when I was hit with the regular “whys?” and the “what […]
The Letting Go of Leaving
I have had an amazing time the past week with my family. A much needed reconnect. The interesting theme was everyone’s “sorry”. “Sorry we can’t visit.” “Sorry there is nothing to do.” “Sorry we can’t hug.” Funny how we take on the weight of “sorry” when we shouldn’t. As everyone was “sorrying”, little did they […]
The Day After
The day after your diagnosis. The day after our last holidays. The day after your death. The day after all of the “firsts” without you. The day after all the seconds, thirds, fourth, fifths, sixth and, trust me, on the seventh day after there isn’t rest. Every day is a new “day after”. Funny, that […]
Bitter, Bland and Forgotten Flavors
This year has been nothing less than bipolar. Severe ups, downs, twists and turns I could never expect. Year 1 and 2, I could keep busy, keep moving and face the loss of Clayton when I wanted too. Now, year 3, in a pandemic with the world halted, I’m forced to taste the truth and […]
The Woven Widowed “What” in the Fabric of Life
“What was I just doing? What was I about to say? What is that person’s name? I’ve known them for years. Damn it Bryan! What is wrong with you?” For a while, I thought that maybe I was a little crazy. I was struggling to understand why my thoughts were so scattered and why I […]
Table for One? No Thanks. I’ll Just Wait At The Bar.
Some may love going out to eat alone but for me it is emotional. Even waiting for takeout can be tough. Grabbing dinner this week, I sat at the bar and got an awkward look from one group. I’m sure it was nothing but that doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t valid. Whatever it was that […]
The Pain and Possibilities of “Yes”
The first thing I learned to do when Clayton passed away was say “No”. I said no to getting out of bed, no to eating, no to showering, no to the gym. No was the safest place I could hide myself. Saying no stopped the world and that is just where I wanted to be. […]
Faith In Fingerprints
Since Tin’s passing, many have said he is with me, many have said he’s moving things in and out of my path to help make things easier and more successful for me. On many occasions, I have found pennies, dimes, seen cardinals, butterflies and got a call or text just at the moment I needed […]
Champagne Dreams and Lost Love Legacies
Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I’m unbelievably grateful for the outpouring of celebration especially on social media where so many of us are finding community during a pandemic. I decided that the day should start with a toast to lost loves and no better way than a glass of Veuve Clicquot champagne – The Widow’s […]
It’s Ok to Not Be Ok
Honesty and authenticity is where my blog writing begins. There are moments in the journey that spark continuity in the conversation of my condition but there is so much else involved that I don’t know how to articulate yet. There is no manual on how to do this. The road is written as its traveled. […]
Tears of A Clown
It’s Halloween again. I used to mark my year’s passing by holidays and life events. Now that Clayton is gone, my year is filled with reminders written in grief across the days, weeks, months and seasons. My year is a grief calendar. It’s been four years since I really did anything. We dress up at […]