Widow's Voice

Another Layer to the Levels In Life

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I’m happy to say that yesterday my boyfriend Devin and I got engaged! Yesterday I reached a new place in life that I have never been too before. Clayton and I never had the opportunity to get to this point. This weekend I am celebrating where my life has lead me, and the love that has surrounded me. This weekend is to honor the past but to enjoy and be filled with the gift of the present.

I often look back at where I was in my journey to see if I can find reasons. A year ago I wrote about finally releasing some material possessions that were no longer serving me. A year ago is when Devin found me on Tiktok and went over to my Facebook to read my blog. A year ago I didn’t realize that I had started to release things not so I’d be able to forget them but for there to be space so others could come in. Reading this blog now shows me that letting go of something that was no longer serving me was actually the catalyst for my life to propel forward and to continue to level up.

If you have followed my blog for a while, you would know that Clayton (Tin) often leaves me dimes as a sign he’s near. Tin = Ten. It’s been awhile since I found one. Yesterday my nerves were building up and I asked him to let me know he was there to help us celebrate our engagement. There on the ground ahead was a dime – A clear sign.

My life continues to grow and change. Some say that this new life should mean the end of my blog but my grief and gratitude journey is not over. Yesterday I got engaged. On July 15th we will finally be having Clayton’s memorial service after waiting 4 long years. A huge part of my closure has been put on pause. Has there ever been someone out there that had to wait this long? Most people become widowed and have the memorial shortly after. My journey has been out of order, out of phase. Right now I feel like I’m the only person who has had to go back in time to move into my future. I feel very sure that I am on the right path and so grateful to be planning our wedding soon. I’ll still need to process that I’m going to Clayton’s funeral as someone else’s fiancé four years later…

 

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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