I’m imagining today that I am able to write to you in our past to give you a glimmer of hope. Where you are at the start of this widowed journey is not where you are forever trapped. I’ll be honest with you and say that there will be tough days, months and seasons but you will continue to move forward. Keep being true to yourself and this journey will unfold for you in ways that you never expected.
Be ready because Year 1 will be a fog. Year 2 will bring the painful reality that Tin is not coming back. Year 3 you will be very angry. To top it all off there will be a pandemic and you’ll feel more alone then you ever have felt. That will be the scariest year and you’ll linger on the one question that you may never have answered – “Why?”
I know that doesn’t sound very inspiring but it’s necessary for what comes next. It sounds cliché, but you need to spend time understanding your losses and honoring yourself to regroup on a foundation forward. You don’t know this yet but your experiences will all come together and generate an immense amount of energy. I need you to be open to it and to realize that you will be able to direct that energy in huge waves. Do the work on yourself first or you will misuse the energy. Don’t use it in Year 3 because you will be too angry.
You have been writing this blog for yourself but you will start to share it on social media in hopes it helps others deal with their different versions of grief. It won’t make sense to you now but it will all unfold beautifully in year 4. Hold this future faith I send as I can share we are safe moving forward through our Year 5. I still don’t truly know the “why” but there are many things that will show up unexpectedly that will make so much sense in the moment.
Just know that the hurt you feel in the past will forge you into someone who has the ability and the energy to help many others. You never told anyone that back when you lost Tin you felt you had no more value. You floated through the days trapped in a real life purgatory. You had to stay there for awhile but it was not meant as a punishing consequence, it’s been a calculated conditioning for your next move upward. It’s going to feel easier to give in to the grief but hold on and know you have future smiles waiting for you.
I’m writing to tell you I am so very proud of how you are holding yourself together and continuing to move forward. I have just one request of you. It will seem strange. It will seem like a waste of time. You may not want to or feel like you can but I NEED you to just promise you’ll do this one thing for us –
Please just start to dance again…