I am strong. I am incredibly strong. I never knew how strong Before. I wonder how I survived those first few minutes of knowing, those first few hours of screaming, that first night, week, month, year. But I did. …and so I know I am made of strong stuff. I know it’s true because I am still here, raising two children, finding joy where I can get…
Blog
Chapter Two
I now divide my life into two chapters. Chapter one began when I met Dave. My life path suddenly became clear with him. I felt really safe and loved for the first time. My grades in college improved, the lifelong battle I’d had with insomnia disappeared. I moved across the country to be with this man who turned my world around. We spent…
I Don’t Like Broccoli
I’m thinking about getting a second family, one with a wife and kids. I could take out an ad in a newspaper, “Man looking for wife and kids to help him figure out his own children. Family must know man and his three children will live in another house.” That should get me married in less than two weeks.Why, do you ask, am I going all…
Weird
I’d be lying if I said I miss being weird…I still am and will always be. But oh…how I miss being weird with him. Not so much weird with him, but ourselves completely. I impressed him with my Gallum impersonation. He impressed me with his Chewbacca roar. He spent his lunch breaks watching Star Trek Next Generation, and loved that I collected…
It’s Us Against the World
I heard this song by Coldplay recently and it made me think of all of us. Thought I’d share it. Hugs to all of you. Don’t let go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGlqmn2HSTk Oh morning come bursting the clouds amen Lift off this blindfold let me see again Bring back the water let your ships roll in In my heart she left a hole The…
a blessing for all things
The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings. — Henry Ward Beecher I have found that at times, I am a whiny, ungrateful little sap. I moan at life’s injustice and cry out at the lot I have been given. I beat my fists against fate and want to scream when I hear “It happened…
Counting My Blessings ….
…. and there are six of them. Well, I have way more than six blessings …. but the main ones, the biggest ones …. are the six people who are now home with me. My …. our …. six children. Only two of them live at home now …. and one of those is leaving in January. He’s going to boot camp. For the Marines. But I’m not going to think…
The F Word
F…A…T. I’m a fat widow. Yes I am. You don’t need to give me an awkward smile and insist that I’m not a fat widow. I am and I own it. I give other widowed people a bad name. I shatter the image of the grief-ridden widow/widower by eating and actually enjoying it. And I’ve been doing this for nearly three years now. I feel…
Good Bye
Good bye. Words we are familiar with. We have, in one way or another, said goodbye to spouses/partners. In tears, begging for forgiveness, in resolution. We have thought, uttered, whispered those words. Good bye. Good bye for me, now holds so much more. I get that I may not see a person again. I get that there isn’t a reason for death. It sweeps…
Thankful
Two Thanksgiving celebrations down, and one to go. It’s been an interesting couple of days. Friday night I hosted an office Thanksgiving potluck at my home. Almost every person from the office came, along with their families. There was so much food, wine and desert, and everyone was in a very good mood. Most had hoped to meet Abel, and since he had…
Deny
When loss strikes, we have a way of denying ourselves of things. Whether it be the ability to smile since they can’t smile. The ability to see all the impact that they’re life left by focusing on the fact that they were taken so suddenly. The ability to celebrate life’s happenings, since they are not there to celebrate it with you. Our ability to…
Hope and Rope
After a week of being less social that usual, last Friday night sucked. Really, really sucked. I have no idea what triggered the mess. I wasn’t wallowing around in old wedding pictures. I hadn’t gone back in time to read our Great Cancer Adventure blog (reading about our last days together still transforms me into a wailing mess of a man.) But…