Last weekend, Sarah and I decided to take a drive around the west side of Cleveland. We didn’t have any real plan; just to head out to a small town on the Lake Erie shore, and see where we ended up. Shelby was staying with Megan’s mother, so we were free to have a random Sunday. After having some lunch at an old soda fountain in a…
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Fearing Healing
After Phil’s death I feared getting better. I didn’t want to get over it, move on, allow time to heal me, or be grateful that Phil was in a better place. Frankly, getting better sounded like forgetting, getting over it was impossible, moving on implied leaving a time when Phil was a part of my world, time as a concept wasn’t doing much for me, and…
Building from the Grief Up
We took a trip to Pittsburgh yesterday. It was my first time to ever visit Pennsylvania. I’m not sure why, but I’ve wanted to visit this state since I was a kid. As we approached I was so surprised. The city itself was so beautiful… and the landscape was nothing like I’d expected – although I am not entirely sure what I expected it to be. The…
A Friend and A Widow
This week I did something that I never thought I’d have the strength to do when Dan died… I attended a full-day birthing class with my best friend and her husband. They’ve asked me to participate in the birth of their first baby in January as a support person and birthing partner, which is an incredible honour and something I very much want…
Not 51
Today, my dear and sweet husband, you are not 51. Today is your birthday. You are not here. You cant eat cake or blow out candles or makes jokes about getting older and how time flies. You can’t go and see the new “Peanuts” movie with me, our favorite, which comes out today, on your birthday. We can’t joke around about how you will always…
Laden with Gold
I wake up thinking about Mike. I go to sleep at night thinking about him. Everything I do every day is shadowed by thoughts of him. He is in my every waking moment. He is never gone from my heart or my mind. Even as I am enjoying time with friends, even as I am looking forward to an evening with the musician, even as I am finding joy in family…
No Matter How Long it is~
…We’ve joked around for a long time about how much we love each other and who loves one another more, and I just want you to know… I love you more. And no matter what, i will always, always be there with you, and no matter how long it is until I see you again…I will see you again. And you remember every day, every day… P.S I love…
Grieving your own Death
After such a busy week last week, between the move, and Sarah’s best friend traveling to Ohio, I am finding myself in a calm state, without a ton to write about. The primary thing starting to creep into my mind though, is that in a little over two weeks, it will have been one year since Megan’s death. I am constantly being bombarded by…
When Great Trees Fall
When Great Trees Fall Maya Angelou When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses, and even elephants lumber after safety. When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear.When great souls die, the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We…
Visits of Comfort
It’s been a week now since I made the big move up to Ohio, to live near Mike. I’ve had a roller coaster of emotions going on. At this point I’m just feeling like it’s a miracle I’ve made it through one whole week. While I don’t have any reservations about my decision to move here, still I’m having anxiety and headaches pretty much daily. A lot of…
Carrying the Sadness Forward
I had a week off from Widowed Voice last Saturday (thanks for covering for me Michele!) because I was away on holidays with my sister, visiting the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. This was my first trip to Hawaii, I place where my husband Dan had spent a lot of holidays with friends and had spoken of with great fondness. Travelling,…
Backward is Forward
So Tuesday was my wedding anniversary. It would have been 9 years married this October 27th, but of course, we were right smack in the middle of year 4 in our marriage, when my beautiful husband suddenly dropped dead. The reality of this event – someone being there one second, and then the next second, not – has become more and more baffling to me…