Last week I wrote about how excited I was to be heading off on a holiday with my family and it was a wonderful break. I have a close family and adore my three nephews. Spending time with them playing on the resort waterslide, watching them learn about a different culture, even accommodating four-year-old cranky tantrums (when routine is broken…
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Nobody Else Can Die
I got some news last night that I did not want to hear. A phone call from someone in my family, letting me know they were diagnosed with something. Honestly, I don’t mean to be so vague and mysterious, but I feel the need to write about this because that is how I cope, and because I cant really think about much else right now except THIS. At the…
Missing Pieces
I will never get used to death. Even my faith does not really help in that regard. Sure I might believe in a hereafter which brings some measure of comfort that the person we love is ok somehow and somewhere, and even that we might be reunited one day, but what we go through in our here and now after loved ones die is just downright disturbing…
Holy…What is~
Today is 2 years since I began my Odyssey of Love, towing my pink-trimmed T@b Teardrop trailer behind my pink car. December 1, 2013. I was riddled with anxiety, never having towed or camped prior to my beloved husband’s death. I knew, even on the night he died, that continuing a life on the road without him would require changes in how we had…
Holiday Spirits
In Zoar, Ohio, there is a tree farm that allows you to cut your own Christmas trees. Shelby, Megan, and I had been here a few times to shuffle through the snow, walking around so many firs, pines, and spruces, to pick the perfect specimen for our living room. Once located, I would proceed to lie on the ground and begin sawing. A few seconds…
Making Meaning
Every now and then, something comes along that fills you to the bones with gratitude for this totally messed up, chaotic, stressful, sometimes shitty and also amazing life. Just moments ago, I finished up a live phone interview. I was invited to speak about grief and the healing power of creativity at DeathExpo – an annual online conference held…
A Bit of Happiness for Me
Last Sunday I hosted my best friend’s baby shower. I felt honored to play such a key role in the celebration her pending arrival but, as expected, it really took it out of me. Through the endless baby chat and the parade of adorable presents I was able to fix my smile in place and compartmentalise the pain of my own broken heart but after the last…
Thanksgiving Blues
I had a good day today. It was a nice day that I was lucky enough to spend with really good, really dear friends. My own family is 4 hours away in another state, so getting to them over Thanksgiving isnt usually possible, due to the short time off I have from work. So, for the past few years, it has become almost a new tradition for me to spend…
No Pie for Me, Thanks
Somehow, my computer erased the post I’d been working on this week. I am NOT grateful for that. Grrrrr. But what I’d planned to say will probably not come as a surprise. It’s Thanksgiving again and it’s just not an easy time for us widowed folk. No matter what else lovely we find in our lives in the strange after-world, it is painful to…
Gratitude, and my Lack Thereof~
This time of year puts an enormous amount of pressure on people in general, doesn’t it? Add in the hugeness of grief and it can be overwhelming in the extreme. Since Chuck’s death, I’ve become a perfect Buddhist. Which is what he was, philosophically speaking. Stay with me here…that wasn’t a random statement. Thanksgiving, or any of…
Home for the Holidays
I can no longer say “one year ago, Megan did this”. She’s been gone 369 days. Today isn’t anything special or significant in the grand scheme of things, but it is interesting to me how the one year mark mentally appears to be a weight off of my shoulders in a sense. I have experience now. I’ve been through Thanksgiving,…
The Word Widow
I’ve been asked what I think of the word widow, and specifically if I’d prefer we use a different word that has a more positive connotation to label the widowed experience. When the word widow first applied to me, I told myself that I hated that word. I shuddered every time I used that word to describe myself, and the unwanted situation in which I…