There’s a phase of grief that is seldom spoken of that I think all of us visit at one point in time or another: annoyance. I hate comparisons. Don’t get me wrong. I understand people’s wont and need to empathize when they hear my story. I do. I know that most of them, for the most part, mean well. I also understand people have…
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Decisions, Decisions
Sometimes, you don’t make decisions. Sometimes, decisions are just made for you. Like that time my husband died. I definitely didn’t decide that. And as a result, a cascade of other decisions I didn’t make happened. I just had no choice in the matter. All the things you do in life, day-to-day or long term, doing any of those things without…
A Day Like Every Other. Except~
Today was an ordinary day like every other day has been since Chuck died. Except that, today, I finally made a decision that I need to move my body. I need to get stronger. I need to move. I’m 4.5 years since my world incinerated, and every so often I’ve made concentrated attempts at exercising. Honestly, I can always find excuses to not work…
Damn the Torpedoes
The excitement of new. The knowing of strife. The frustration of sickness. The commitment for life. The determination to protect. The joy of more days. The newness of health. The fear it won’t stay. The sliver of hope. The knowledge of none. The witnessing a demise. The grief that begun. We struggle, we cry. Anxious, we fear. As time marches…
I Shouldn’t Have Come Alone
As I write this I have just pulled into the parking lot at the office of my urologist, Dr A. I have parked in stall number 61 and I find myself frozen in the drivers seat of my car as unwanted memories come flooding back into my brain. I remember the day I pulled into this parking lot with Ben. I don’t recall what stall number we parked in that…
The Undoing of X-Ray Vision
As I sat down this morning to take stock of the week, and search the corners of my mind for what to write about, I realized something kind of surprising, and pretty huge… I’m not tired. Holy crap, what? I’m NOT tired? What’s happening here? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for a nap by 4pm most days, but I’m not talking about that…
Normal
This is a late entry. By design. I wanted to soak in the entirety of this weekend. For the first time since Linzi had passed…I’d met an entire group of people with whom I shared a very tragic truth: we had, all of us, lost our loves. There I stood, talking grief, talking life. Not crying or feeling nostalgic. Not making attempts to…
A Widow Wedding Anniversary
It has been six years since my husband’s sudden death. Next week, October 27th, is my wedding anniversary. Again. It will be my seventh time going through our wedding anniversary without him here. It will be our “would have been 11 years” anniversary. I don’t feel comfortable saying “it’s our 11 year anniversary.” Because it’s not. …
Tiresome Grief
I’m just so tired. Sitting here with all this week’s feelings, thoughts and words ping-ponging around my brain, that one just keeps rising to the top. Grief is a heavy, heavy stone to drag around, and I’m tired. That sinister companion has changed so much, not just in my daily life but how I think about life altogether. I’m been…
Unanswered Questions, and Other Stuff~
I guess one of the fallouts of living in the widow hood, is that we end up in our heads way too frequently, asking questions of ourselves, and of life, about life, ruminating on life in general. The inside of my brain is a continual hamster wheel. These are some of the things I wonder, the questions I ask, of myself. Mostly rhetorically, because…
Go, Go, Go
In the past 30 days, we’ve had a birthday party/ family reunion, visits with friends, Sarah’s sister in town for a few days, Shelby’s best friend at the house after school for five days, a fall festival, halloween costume prep and decorations, dress fittings, tuxedo fittings, counseling appointments, extremely busy days at my work, extremely…
Missing That Hug
I wrote this post a few days ago in the middle of the night. I’m posting it just as I wrote it on that night. Read on. ***** I think I must be the only person in the world to experience anxiety attacks while I am actually asleep. Seriously. It can be 4am and I can be in the middle of what I would hope to be a solid 8 hours, when suddenly I find…