It has been six years since my husband’s sudden death.
Next week, October 27th, is my wedding anniversary.
Again.
It will be my seventh time going through our wedding anniversary without him here.
It will be our “would have been 11 years” anniversary.
I don’t feel comfortable saying “it’s our 11 year anniversary.”
Because it’s not.
He’s dead.
I’m alive.
And the law says you can’t be married to a dead guy.
And really,
it would be kind of creepy to be married to a dead guy.
But here’s the thing …
Six years, and my seventh one without him,
and I don’t know how to do this.
Still.
I don’t know how to be a widow,
on my wedding anniversary.
For me,
it is the saddest and loneliest of days.
It is so much worse for me,
than his death anniversary.
Our wedding, our ceremony, that day,
everything it symbolized,
everything it was,
can no longer be.
I don’t feel like “celebrating”,
something that can no longer breathe.
I want to recognize it.
Acknowledge it.
I never know how.
Nothing ever feels right.
Or good.
Or comforting.
It just all sucks.
The only person,
I ever feel like being around,
on that day,
is my husband.
The one that is no longer my husband.
But not because I don’t love him,
or because of anything we did.
I want to dance with him,
like we did that day.
I want to laugh with him,
and talk about how beautiful our wedding was.
Instead of watching the video
Alone,
because I want so badly to see him moving,
dancing,
talking,
but getting through viewing it proves almost impossible,
every single year.
I want to celebrate 5 years together,
Ten,
Twenty,
Fifty.
But that will never be.
We only got Four.
Four.
Ill be going to NYC,
to spend the week there,
with friends, and also alone,
and I will go to the place
where we married,
and sit with him,
where his ashes were scattered,
by the rocks in the bay,
and try to figure out what on earth,
to do next.
I dont know the answer.
I dont think I ever will.
It will always be a sad day,
even though I found love again.
Even though Im happy ….
Even though….
Even though ….
That day,
and everything it represents,
will always be about US,
and the life we promise each other,
that we never got to live.
And even when I’m old and gray,
if I should be lucky enough,
to have that honor,
I still won’t know,
how to be a widow,
on my Wedding Anniversary.
Still.
