Mindfulness has always been something important to me, in one way or another. Usually, art and creativity have been my way of being mindful – my form of meditation. In the first few years after Drew’s death, I created deeply mindful photographs which helped me reach that meditative space. I don’t think I knew it at the time, but they created a…
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Views from Auschwitz
Part of me is happy Linzi wasn’t here with me in Poland for this trip. Today we visited Auschwitz. It was emotional. It was eye-opening. It was heavy. I don’t think she could’ve handled it emotionally. She was such a compassionate and loving woman. The pictures of the victims made her look extremely healthy by comparison. Auschwitz was…
Word Jumble
Days like today. All is fine. I have not much to say. Birds are singing, sun is bright, autumn has brought her glory. Im not feeling particularly sad. Im in love. Finally. Life is life again, and Im not just existing, anymore. But when I sit here and force myself to think, about what Im going to write about, all the feelings come,…
Breaking Home
If you’ve been following the slow-motion event that is the foreclosure on my home here in Hawaii, there is an update. The commissioner who was appointed to handle the auction did a site inspection today. I am waiting to hear the dates for the two open houses she is required to hold, probably in November. Soon after that, auction will be scheduled…
Nine D’s and a C~
Words. I think about words in this widowed life. How can I, how do I, describe this widow life? What word best describes this widow life? It’s difficult to find that one word, isn’t it, because there are so damn many that apply, to this widow life. Dislocated. Discombobulated (that’s my fave), disoriented, disengaged, disturbed, disconnected,…
T.M.I.
It is very rare that one particular emotion takes the forefront of my mind for any longer than a few days. In general, there is a veritable melting pot of thoughts occurring at any given moment, ranging from sadness to joy and everything in between. Fear and confusion are tempered by confidence and determination. Of course, there are periods…
Grief Is A Funny Thing
Just when I find myself moving along a little more effortlessly and thinking, “I’ll be damned. I think I’ve got this handled” … it happens. WHAM! Grief jumps out of nowhere and slams me so hard in the chest that I find myself gasping for breath and thinking, “What the fuck just happened there?” (Or, “what the heck just happened there?” …
Putting Death out Front
This past week, Mike, Shelby and I put up our usual Halloween decorations in the front yard. For some folks, the idea of putting a graveyard in your front yard once a year might be tacky or in bad taste. We have no idea what our neighbors think – though none of them decorate at all for Halloween so they probably care very little. Some people take…
Driftwood
I stayed up. I was drained. I was exhausted. But I stayed up. It became my mission of madness. To anyone else, it was just a simple “Happy Birthday” but to Linzi…it signified another year of survival. I wanted to be the first to say it on a night she was perhaps at her lowest, and not just lowest that week…but probably her whole life. …
Moment of Silence for Football Widows ….
Every single year, at this time of the year and until the conclusion of football season in February with the Superbowl, millions of women, and in few cases, men, all over America, suffer alone. Their suffering is so great, that they take their plight to the masses; posting all over social media about how they will once again be a football…
My Bubble
I’m back in Kona after a whirlwind trip across two very large ponds. Being that it is 11 hours time difference between Hawaii and the UK, I am still suffering the lag, but it’s getting better. It was well worth it, both for time with my boyfriend’s family, and refreshing the spirit during a time of looming change in my reality. So now back to…
And So it Must Always Be~
In the before moments As you hold tight while trying to let go Waiting for that last breath Dreading that last breath Holding your breath waiting for that last breath Gasping in your breath as he exhales his last breath Long Live LoveAs you sit and stand and pace and stare Wondering at this new world of without With only your breath in it Where…