Days like today.
All is fine.
I have not much to say.
Birds are singing,
sun is bright,
autumn has brought her glory.
Im not feeling particularly sad.
Im in love.
Finally.
Life is life again,
and Im not just existing,
anymore.
But when I sit here and force myself
to think,
about what Im going to write about,
all the feelings come,
just as quickly
as I thought
there were no thoughts,
no words today,
they come.
Word Jumble.
Thought Chaos.
Grief Brain.
It comes,
because it lurks,
in the shadows,
as you try to live.
It lurks,
and it stalks you,
like a criminal,
always taking.
It lurks,
and it throws at you,
Guilt.
Anger.
Regret.
Fear.
Longing.
Blame.
On and on and on ….
Word Jumble.
Thought Chaos.
Grief Brain.
Sentences and phrases
that just come to you,
on a loop,
or like a record,
where the needle keeps spinning,
and you can’t turn it off.
Those old grief thoughts,
from years ago,
they lurk.
They return.
Again and again ….
Just when you think,
“But I processed through that already”,
it returns,
trying to haunt you,
stealing your joy,
your attempts at new life.
Word Jumbles.
Why didnt I know he would die? Why were there no symptoms? What if him being overtired those last few weeks was a symptom? Was he in any pain when it happened, or did it really happen the way Ive been told and reassured? Was he really unaware that his heart stopped? Was he scared? Did he call for me? What about that morning? Before he left for work – why didnt he wake me to say Good Morning? Why dont I have any sort of “last words or moments” with him? Why does it still feel like a horrible magic trick, where he just suddenly vanished from my life? Did I do the right thing by donating his organs and tissue? Why did it feel so awful if it was right? Did I do right by him by cremating him? I will never know. We didnt know. We didnt talk about that. Does he know how much I miss him everyday? Can he hear me when I talk to him? Did he really bring me the man I love today – did he put this man in my path? Are all the signs I get really him? Is it me just wanting it to be him? Will the hurt ever stop? Will the remnants of grief always be lurking and asking these questions? Will I ever get answers? How do I turn this record off?
Im standing inside my life.
And it’s good.
At the moment.
It has potential
for new memories,
beautiful love,
and future dreams
realized.
And yet,
always,
the Word Jumble
of Grief
Remains,
lurking,
stealing bits and pieces,
when Im not looking,
or paying attention,
or when I think,
that I don’t really
have much to say,
Today.
