As 5 years without you, edges its’ way ever nearer to me, and as my heart and soul hear the shuffle of time coming closer, creeping past, zooming closer, flying past.. As these ten thousand years have passed, since his death, as each nanosecond passes in the here and now, I remember how he loved me, how I loved him. I remember his calm spirit and…
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Half Life
Half a lifetime ago, it was esprit de corps. It was smoking breakfast, sleeping through lunch, and drinking dinner. It was hard working weekdays, and lazy weekends. It was little pay and long hours, and not caring about either. Half a lifetime ago, days went by as years. The soundtrack was Blink-182 and Korn. The beer was warm and cheap,…
Come Undone
Most of the time I feel empty inside. The landscape of my Soul is barren since he died. However, most people can only see the vibrant life I have. At first glance, my life appears fairly enviable. With the exception of Mike’s death, I have all the trappings of a good life. I have the kids, the house, the car, and the career. I have…
Home & The Heart
I’ve written about it quite a few times these past few years, but moving across the country really did a number on me. I don’t think – scratch that – I KNOW I was in no way prepared for how difficult it would be to leave Texas. I have a love affair with my state that runs very deep. I have gone through some of the hardest but most meaningful…
Vacation
Next week is March Break for me. I’m going on a cruise with a good friend. I know, I am fortunate to be able to go on a cruise. I’ll be in the sun and heat and it will be fun. I am excited! I am also not though. It seems that I can’t just experience the normal one emotion of excitement for a trip. That in itself is frustrating. There always…
This Still Beating Heart~
An interesting question was posted in a widow group earlier today. When was the moment you realized you would survive this?Your person’s death…this new life…I never doubted for a moment that I could and would survive this. From the time Chuck was told that the cancer was everywhere.My fear was that I would indeed and unfortunately survive…
A Mindful Conversation
It’s been far too long since I felt the sting of an icy wind hitting my face. Months have passed since I lazily stared into a campfire of my own creation, with nobody but my own self to discuss it with. I haven’t dunked into a mountain creek after a long march, and I haven’t been woken up by annoying crows, rather than an annoying alarm…
Malbec Part 2
Like a good vintage wine, last weeks blog, Malbec, requires a second harvest. Over the last seven days, I have changed my mind about a few things and, now, I am offering up another tasting – this tasting is paired with hindsight. A week ago, I shared my ritual of holding out my hands, searching and reaching for him. In my own words I…
New Directions Fueled by the Past
Today an exciting milestone has happened for me. One that runs deep, and is stitched with so many remnants of a past life and of every day since that I’ve fought for. Today I was accepted to be a contributor for a major photography agency that works in the book publishing industry. They work with publishing houses all over the world to help them…
All Paths Lead Somewhere
Some days I just lay there. Or sit there. Or stand there. In silence. I get lost in feeling numb. Patience was never my strong suit. And it’s a difficult thing to be patient when everything has felt so empty for so long and all you desire is to fill whole again. I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a very long…
Its Your Birthday, My Heart and Back Know
Its amazing to me, how powerful grief can be. How it can take over. How it can make you feel things you havent felt in years. How it can bring you right back to that day, or those weeks, where you lived in darkness, and where you were just trying to comprehend that the person you married just 4 years ago, was really, actually, truly, dead. Most…
My Family
I’ve spent the last two weekends on wonderful adventures with wonderful people. Two weekends ago I was in Quebec for a snowboarding trip and this past weekend I was up north. Both times I was with a combination of people from both of my families and friends. I feel overwhelmingly grateful for all of these people in my life. I’m grateful that…