I used to dance with my beloved husband… We danced dreamily, to Clint Black, to Chicago, to Elvis, to whatever tune happened to be playing wherever we were. Oh, how we danced…his right arm around me, my hand clasped in his. At the end of the dance, he’d always dip me back in his arms, and then kiss my hand.I dance still, these 4 years and 10…
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Maturity Rising
`Yesterday, the 26th, was Sarah’s mother’s birthday. Part of a tradition that she has done over the years is to have a small cake, and a bouquet of flowers, as a way of celebrating her, though she’s no longer here. It’s a simple gesture that means so much. She lost her mother when she was only nine years old. While her siblings were…
Malbec
Since you died I feel like I am masquerading in someone else’s life. The likelihood of outliving you was always in the back of my mind, but it wasn’t something that I prepared for because I naively thought we had “the rest of our lives” ahead of us. I honestly thought that we had at least twenty more years together. And, because I blindly…
Coffee with Missing Pieces
There I was, at a coffee shop downtown last Wednesday afternoon. I was sitting beside a large window enjoying the rain tapping against the glass as I did some work on my computer, when suddenly my awareness was completely shifted. In that instant, I felt a deep, emptiness that was both piercing and aching at the same time. A screaming hollowness…
Nothing is Necessary
Depression is a tricky thing. You never really know when it will happen. It just creeps up on you. At least, that’s what it did to me this week. I miss my wife, but that wasn’t the catalyst this time. Or maybe it was. I’m not sure. All I know is that I was down. For whatever reason. Unmotivated to do anything. Existing…
Resentment and PTSD
There is so much going on in my head right now. Its hard to think straight. I forgot to write in here last week. Im a bad, bad widow. Im so sorry. I forgot to write because I was away in Maine, with my new love, celebrating our 8 month anniversary, and Valentines Day. It was my first really good Valentines Day since Don died, 6 years ago.
Why I Smile
I often get told, “you’re always smiling” or “you smile a lot.” It’s meant in a positive way of course but I can’t help but reflect on it. A year ago, I might have felt guilty for being told I’m smiling. I had questioned whether I was allowed to feel happy after such a loss and if I was happy, just how happy I was allowed to be. I…
I Must Write of This, Because~
I must write about Love, because I will go fucking insane if I write of the painful past, I will go fucking insane from..I don’t know…rage? World stopping anxiety? Despair? It goes by many names, this feeling that is the experience I shared with Chuck in his hospice time. In the cancer time. In his death and dying time. How I torture myself by…
Number Eleven
Four years have come and gone since the last time Megan was present for Shelby’s birthday. By February 17, 2014, Megan had already been diagnosed with rejection, although she hadn’t been admitted to the hospital as of yet. Shelby was turning seven, and four days prior, Megan and I received the results from her bronchoscopy. We rented out…
Strong on Your Love
I am tired of trying to be – ‘not sad’. I am exhausted from the aching in my heart. I am weary from recognizing Joy everywhere, All around me, And, still feeling hollow inside, I am aware of all the good in my life, My heart is grateful for what I have. So, I ask myself again and again, Why isn’t it enough? Why isn’t my life enough – without…
100% Chance of Rain
A few weeks ago, a milestone came that I have dreaded for a very long time. It’s odd to say that, considering it was my anniversary with someone I love very much. But it wasn’t just any anniversary. It was the third year since the day Mike and I met. The third anniversary was also the last I got to have with Drew… he died six days later,…
Indifference
Do things ever really work out? This Valentine’s Day put me at pause with that thought as I lay dying, staring at the neutral-colored walls of my bedroom while listening to the sounds of silence in an ever-enclosing prison of flu-ridden paralysis. Time stood still. When it does so, my mind agonizes and over-analyzes. The past. The…