Fucking widowhoodFucking life without himFucking heavinessFucking memories of you dyingFucking bed sores Fucking hole in the base of your spine where the tumor ate through your bodyFucking having to live without you every damn dayFucking having to wake up and do life in the midst of fucking confusion that is just always there no matter whatFucking…
Blog
Finance Department
Through our twenties, Megan and I (well, mostly me) got into a mountain of debt. Cars, trips, entertainment, and just plain “things” were being spent upon all the time. There were quite a few medical costs sprinkled in there too. By the time we hit 30 years old, we were at our wit’s end with bills. Megan’s disability prevented her…
The Dance
When Grief comes, Take her in your arms and dance with her. Don’t resist. Fall into her. Move and sway in time with her. Hold her carefully. Then, when the music is over, Look her in the eyes and thank her for the dance. Source: pinterest Maybe the words are too kitschy. Maybe this image of Grief is overly sentimental and…
Much ado About Nothing
Nothing. I’d love to think about nothing. There’s a theory that men can compartmentalize their thoughts and there’s one compartment specifically for nothing. Either that’s a myth or the universe has played a very cruel trick on me. I long to turn my mind off. To sleep is struggle. It was, even before she left me. Now? Near…
Ghost House
I have been back home in Hawaii for a couple of weeks now after spending the holidays back East with my family, and my world has shifted on its axis. We are moved into the new place completely now. After nearly 17 years in that house, I do not live there anymore. I’ve spent many long, grueling hours the past couple weeks moving furniture,…
Time Unmeasureable~
My dearest, my most beloved husband, Chuck. Sarge. D. My heart, my heartbeat, the oxygen in my blood, my very breath… You were many names to me over the years. You were many things to me, as I was to you. You were everything to me, as I was to you. Life was daily living for us both, of course. We had our jobs, our individual friends and…
Call Me if You Need ANYTHING
Up until about age 30 or so, I was a fairly social creature. I made friends easily, whether it be through work, spending weekends in the woods with groups, or wrenching on cars. Through my twenties, not only did Megan and I make “couples” friends, but I had my own as well. Friends that Megan appreciated herself, but really, they were…
Loving You in Separation
I feel like each breathe I take puts more distance between us. You are in another place. A place I don’t know. A dimension I can’t fully understand because I am still here. You exist somewhere far from me; yet, somehow you are right here beside me. You are everywhere; and, also nowhere to be found. My Soul loves you, forever, for…
Clearing the Debris
While we were down in my hometown last week for a wedding, we managed to get out for a few hours one morning to make the drive out to Rockport. If you’ll recall, this little coastal town got the brunt of hurricane Harvey last year. I will never forget sitting in bed at 2am, watching the TV in horror from 1400 miles away as one of my favorite…
Flowers, Cake, and Change
When you are busy living and surviving and struggling inside your own life, it is often hard or damn near impossible to be able to recognize your own progress, shifts, and changes. Time goes by and you may feel stuck in place, or like things are moving in slow motion or not at all, when the reality may be quite different. Living life and grieving…
The Sky is Falling
In true Chicken Little fashion, this week in Hawaii, where I live, there was a scary but supposedly false ballistic missile threat that woke people up or terrified them at the store and farmer’s markets. It has since made international news, to great disgrace to whoever was responsible. Around 8 AM, after having worked the night before and…
Words We Say
I read recently that someone I know through someone else, got back her biopsy results. The tests came back positive. Side note: isn’t it funny that we call tests positive when they tell us we have cancer? Shouldn’t it be exactly the opposite? Negative! Your tests are negative! You have cancer! Especially since our culture is so gung ho on…