New year, new you! (Scene: Black and white video of someone crying) Do you suffer from grief? Tired of going through life thinking about your dead loved one? When you go to the grocery store, do you see a favorite food of your late loved one, and immediately make your way to the wine and tissue aisle? (Scene: Cut to oversaturated video…
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I’m Building my Wings on the Way Down
Ringing in the new year without you is something I never want to do. This year, or ever. No matter how much time passes, no matter how my life changes; and no matter where I am standing on New Year’s Eve, I know that I will always pause and think of you. I will always want you to still be alive, here with me. And, always, I will want to…
Galaxies within Us
Nearing New Year’s, of course we’re all looking back. Or maybe some of us aren’t because we don’t want to – or we just can’t. I imagine a lot of us are ready to leave 2017 in the dust. I certainly am. Not perhaps in the same way I was ready to leave 2012 in the dust… that was more about running away from my reality and my pain. This…
The New World
The world is changing. Perspectives are changing. And they will continue to, so long as we journey forward and make attempts, not to be heard, but to hear. This weekend I dived just a little further down the rabbit hole. Grief is a funny thing. It is a powerful and undeniable force, and many are trying their best to either suppress…
Happy Birthday to Michele, just one L …
So today is Michele’s birthday. Who is Michele? Well, if youre a reader of this blog, you probably already know the answer to that question. And if this amazing woman has affected your life in any of the incredible and many ways she has affected mine, than you are a very fortunate person. But, just in case you are living under a rock and have no…
Dead and Gone
My fingers know the letters. I can type as fast as most people can talk. But what to say…what to tell, this day in the middle of all the holiday madness. I can’t write about this. I can’t write about that. Too personal. Ok. But my life is what it is.My husband is dead, and still there are hard things. Doesn’t seem fair. I take it all in good…
Idle Thoughts, Leaving 2017, Going into 2018~
I’m so fucking relieved to say goodbye to 2017. Our daughter told me that 2017 was as hard for her, harder in some ways, than the year right after her dad died. It was harder for me, too, not for any one reason in particular, really. Maybe because our entire world seems on edge. I’ve always told our kids that, no matter the state of the…
All is Calm, All is Bright
I’ve had many silent nights since Mike died. Nights where I had nowhere to be. Nights that I had no one to share with. Nights where the only sound in the house was the clock ticking obnoxiously. On these nights, the only place I want to be is back in his arms. I have endlessly wished to go back. Back to a place in time where Mike…
The Obnoxious Holiday Letter
Within the widowed community, in the private widowed groups online mostly, Ive been hearing a lot of talk this week about holiday cards. Widowed people being upset or angered by or feeling very real pain – having to look at a Christmas card sent to them, with a picture of a happy and complete family, where nobody is dead, smiling and glittery with…
Stored Memories
When I was a kid, Christmases were pure joy and fun. It meant cousins, grandparents, decorations, special dinners, holiday treats, and sometimes, winter fun like snowmen and sledding. It meant no school, warm fires, music sing-a-longs and laughter. Pretty soon I grew up. Christmases were still, for a few years, about family and love and gift…
Knowing the Unknown and Beyond~
I stare into the distance of everything and nothing many times during a day’s measure, And, as I stare, I see everything and I see nothing I feel everything so much that I feel nothing.Pain and grief have morphed into emptiness Which is funny and humorous except not Because my life is incredibly full With family, with new friends and old Driving…
Have a Friggin Holly Jolly Christmas
As we near Shelby’s 11th Christmas, what will be our third without Megan around, I’ve got my head down. I’m powering through this week at work, excited more for the 4 day break from the monotony than any festivities. Every activity, preparation, and event seems more like a “have to” than a “get to”. Wrapping gifts, baking…