Today it is thirteen months and 3 days since you died. Some moments, your death still does not feel real to me. And, other times, the realness of your death is so apparent I feel nauseated. This is grief in all it’s unapologetic glory. In the early days when you died I couldn’t even breathe. I’d gasp for breathe and I’d rock back and forth,…
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Creating Christmas
This year, Christmas has given me a lot to consider. Reminders to give myself ample time to take care of all that needs doing, so I don’t get overwhelmed. To give myself at least 30 minutes each day to myself, to do something that relaxes me, like yoga or taking a walk or drawing, in order to help me stay sane. That daily maintenance has been a…
Happy Hellidays
Our grief manifests in a plethora of different ways, whether it be sadness and depression or laughter or anger, we each find our own outlet and tend to exhaust them. We do so in even greater concentration perhaps when it comes to the holidays. These significant events which once upon a time signified love, joy, family, and being together is now…
Wherever You Are, It’s Okay
So, here’s a fun fact: The holidays are torture for widowed people. Hell, the regular days are torture. But the holidays …. they shine a big red light on the torture, and then burn you with the beams. I’m 6 years out from my loss. This is my very first Christmas with a new love in my life. The first one in 6 years, that I feel excited to…
To Know Grief is to Know Love
I can’t tell you how I manage to pull off a post every week, or how I have done so for the past three and a half years here. I get asked that a lot. Some weeks I know exactly what I want to write. Other weeks I feel dry…uninspired, lackluster and done. Then suddenly something will move me. Feeling overcome with emotion in a moment, a vision of…
As this Odyssey of Love Expands~
My rig, PinkMagic. I bought her brand new following Chuck’s death. I had to find a way to continue the life that Chuck and I lived on the road. Emotionally, I just couldn’t bear to do it in the way that he and I did for 4 years; staying at lodging on military bases, and at inexpensive hotels. How tragically sad would it be…a country western…
You’re a Mean One…
Ahhh yes…the holidays. It is a constant ride of ups and downs, like the world’s most depressing roller coaster. Kicking off with Thanksgiving. Spending time with friends and family, circled around a hearty dinner and laughter, I get to remember that Megan died just a week before that day. I don’t get to remember the 33 prior enjoyable…
Who Am I ?
Life after the death of the person you love demands that you ask yourself BIG questions. Ironically, the questions are often about life and living. I have asked myself over and over again, Who am I now that Mike has died? Maybe part of…
Making the Most of Christmas
Even now Five and a half years later There are days when I just want to disappear To run away from everything All the materialism of Christmas especially Because no matter how hard I try No matter how many lights are on the house No matter how many ornaments are on the tree No matter how many Christmas songs are played So much is missing too…
Through the Roof
It’s been one of those weeks. My anxiety is through the roof, and Im not sure why. Well, thats not entirely true. I always know why. I’m a sudden death widow. My husband, at age 46, young and healthy and never sick a day in his life (literally – the man called out once from work in all the years I knew him, and it was so he could…
A New Lease
Another sleepless night. Eyes wide open, I finally get up. I pace through the house, small as it is, investigating this or that I think I will or will not take to the new place, for the millionth time. Thinking about all the things I have already taken to the new place, for the millionth time. Our new place, my boyfriend’s and mine. …
More Powerful Than a 4 Letter Word~
Widow. It’s a loaded word, isn’t it? I use the word in reference to both women and men, or I write the word widow and just add a slash and an er at the end. Because I’m a bottom line type of person, I appreciated best the definition from Thesaurus.com. Noun: woman with dead husband. That definition suits me primarily because it isn’t…