My dearest, my most beloved husband,
Chuck. Sarge. D. My heart, my heartbeat, the oxygen in my blood, my very breath…
You were many names to me over the years. You were many things to me, as I was to you. You were everything to me, as I was to you.
Life was daily living for us both, of course. We had our jobs, our individual friends and interests, and we had our friends in common and interests in common.
But beyond and above and alongside of, and with, we had each other.
You were my life.
What now is my life without you? Without my breath? Without my heartbeat?
That madness of the souls that is Love. That Love we shared that was a single soul inhabiting two bodies…
What to do with all of that now that you’re dead and we are forever separated?
The calendar says that you’ve been dead for 1,735 days. I have to look on my app to see the exact days but my mind tracks the years. Four years and nine months.
My heart? My soul? They tell me that you’ve been dead forever. As the heart measures is the true measurement. You were dead forever the moment you took your last breath and you will always be dead forever, even as human time apportions out minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years.
The fractured splinters of my heart shimmer as dust in the wake of who we were together, in the aftershock of your death, in the vague remembrances of who I was with you and because of you and your Love.
I try. And try. And try again. I swear to god I do. I get up every damn fucking day of this life without you and I keep my chin level as I push and muck through and absorb and am at one with and allow and let go and hold on and welcome Love and let Love in and put it out there again.
What will it take to make this life without you worth it?
I’m brave. I’m determined. I look around me and see beauty. I do everything I can. I fucking swear I do. I have to, so that our Love is honored. So that I live a life that honors yours. I live my life because you can’t live yours.
And the splintered, slivered bits of dust that are my heart after your death…they shine in the light of day and glow in the dark of night.
The stars in the inky dark of every galaxy, glittering in skies around the world, shining over my head here in the desert…they are you, I think. You, shimmering down on me. Maybe. But they are also the particles of my heart, no longer claiming space in my chest. Those far away beacons, too distant to touch, are the dust of my heart, scattered in the unreachable points of the Universe.
My heart cries out to you, my beloved.
I will love you into forever and beyond measureable time~