Shelby is nearing the end of her 5th grade year. In just a few more months, she will be off to middle school. All I have known of her for most of her life is that she is an elementary school student. Through the sickness, health, additional sickness, and death of her mother, she has never skipped a beat, still bringing home 3.0 or higher…
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Joy Seeker
I have always looked for Joy. I search for it everywhere I go. Seeking Joy is like a treasure hunt; except, in this case, I don’t have a map. Honestly, I don’t mind the lack of navigational tools because I have grown used to hurling myself into the unknown since he died. With practice, I have become accustom to feeling lost. Now, I am…
Sleepless Nights
I don’t have them very often, but last night was a pretty sleepless night. My mind was going. I couldn’t seem to quiet it. Usually I can put on a podcast and be out in ten minutes… but every now and then I find myself listening to an entire podcast, and then another, barely managing to doze off at all… Even though nowadays, my sleep is…
Detachment
I’ve never been so detached as I am currently. Since Linzi’s left, the landscape of the dating world and my approach to it has endured a complete facelift. I’m not sure quite yet if that’s a good or bad thing. Right now, I’m only thinking of myself. Casual sex has never been a concept to me. It is now. I’ve always been…
My Husband Died and All I Got Was This Lousy Book
In July of 2011, my husband died, and I died too. Well, that version of me died. About an hour after his death, after I had made the phone calls to immediate family and a few close friends – from a random bathroom inside the ER part of the hospital, sitting on the toilet after having just thrown up from shock – I sent my first Facebook status…
Mike’s Birthday
April 6. Tomorrow. It’s Mike’s birthday. It would have been his 30th birthday. Instead, it is his 2nd birthday without him here. How is that possible? How is he not here to celebrate turning 30? Nevermind celebrating, how is he not here to turn 30 at all? He only lived to be 28 years old. It’s really not fair at all. Turning 30 years old…
AND. Not Or~
We all know the power of words, especially in widowhood. Words stream at us in loving support, with awkwardness, clumsy grace, and, unfortunately, in judgement. We hear these words and phrases and they make us stronger or they make us want to hide. We begin, as time passes, to hide ourselves. To isolate ourselves. We present artificial selves to…
Happy Belated
Hey man, Sorry I didn’t write you sooner. As fate would have it, your birthday was last Wednesday, and this just happens to be the best forum for me to do this, albeit only on Tuesdays. Sue me. Anyway, this is the third year in a row that I’ve given you a birthday letter. Last year, it was about cake and bacon beer (of which I did NOT…
Hollow
In every store you visit the shelves are lined with colorful, foil wrapped chocolate bunnies. They stand neatly organized in the aisles, adorned with ribbons and bows. At first glance, these holiday treats catch your eye because they look shiny and decadent. But, things aren’t as they appear. We know the bunnies are hollow inside even…
A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
I’ve never kept many friends. My circle has changed from year to year. It changed drastically after Linzi passed away. In that regard, I’ve always considered myself a lone wolf. The main reason being that more often than not they end up letting me down, not coming through on promises, or it could be that I’ve done the same and redemption…
And That’s Why You Don’t Have a Baby
I had a widow moment with the kids in my class yesterday. Before I explain, let me give you the (extended) back story. The kids in my class now know I am a widow. They don’t know it in any personal, heart-wrenching way like people close to me do. They just know the bare facts: I was married and he died. I have always kept my personal life out of…
Let
Let the moments stop. Let them stay where they are. Let them take me back in time. Let them morph into the unknown future. Let me be present. Let me disappear. Let me be numb. Let my emotions riot my heart. Let shock quiet my system.Let me remember times past. Let me see only the joy. Let the pain recede. Let him see Love. Let our grief morph into…