In any tragedy, early loss or hard lesson, we look for a reason behind it. The “why”. Over the last three years I have searched for the explanation, or rationale, for Jeff’s death and all the aftermath of his loss. Not the reason written on his autopsy certificate or the coroner’s report. Something deeper. Something less concrete but still as…
widowed suddenly
one week from today.
i’m one week away from the day that my gift to madeline becomes something that people will publicly judge, both positively and negatively. some will praise the “story,” some will criticize the writing. some will find something to relate to and others will wonder how the hell i “did it.” i’m ready for all of that, but more than …
Purging ….
…. is rather a “loaded” word, is it not? Those of you who follow my blog or me on Facebook know that I have spent a lot of time over the last few weeks purging and organizing my home …. and my attic. I find that I get the urge to purge about 2 or 3 times a year, and when that urge hits …. I just go with it. Quickly. And I work like a…
Me
I’m introspective. You can still find me wandering the “Self-Help” aisles at a bookstore to find things to challenge my being and better my soul. Like art, all I took and take from those paperbacks is interpreted differently to me than others…and hell, I’m as flawed as a clearance item at a “Ross” store, so in seeing that each life…or in Ross…
rerecord
Sometimes this whole ‘widow’ thing gets old. Like the chorus of an unhappy song that gets stuck in your head and keeps you awake. Over and over the words repeat singing those same lines again and again. You try to not pay attention. Try to forget the words. Try to listen to a new song. But your little brain has it so deeply embedded it can’t be…
march 24th.
i made the decisionto carry on atradition that i startedin 2009…to take mymaddy on a tripfar away from everything, to ensure thatthe focus be onher and herbirthday, rather than the day that follows. i’m happy to say, i succeeded. (i’m one lucky dad).
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water …..
… another wave comes and smacks you from behind ….. I love the ocean. Always have. Jim did, too. We were a “beach family”. Loved taking vacations to a beach …. any beach. Even the one in Galveston ….. where the word “beach” has a whole different definition. But hey, when it’s the only beach you have within an hour’s drive or so,…
A Real Kiss
I remember the moment like the sound of his heart. We sat facing the glass window panes in between gate 15 and 17. The looming knowledge that in a few passing moments a stranger would come over the intercom to separate us once again led us to focus on anything, but the reality awaiting him and I. The distraction was SkyChef loading food onto a…
3 years
This morning will mark three years since I’ve held your warm hand. Heard your snores. Felt safe knowing I was yours. My life doesn’t stop today as it did three years ago….although I partially wish it would. There are appointments to be attended, childcare to sort out and errands to run.I’d like to lay in my bed and think of only you. To keen…
That Other Shoe
Pictures of me in my current state of happiness make me nervous. I look at this photo with a sense of wonder at the fact that my smile looks genuine. The empty look that has shadowed my features for years appears to have faded. I am tempted to compare this photo to one of my “before” photos to see if I can tell the difference between these versions…
Irony ….
…. is a funny thing. Sometimes. Other times …. not so much. This was Jim’s favorite picture frame with one of his favorite pictures of our children. It was taken about 13 years ago, around the same time I gave him the frame. Meaning, in “my time”, about 10 years …. “before”. He loved the verses on it from the Robert Frost poem,…
A Kind of Retirement
I love the idea that there is a time, and a season, for all things, but change has always been hard for me. I like sameness, actually I used to thrive in the familiar. But the transformation that has happened in my life since Phil’s death has taught me to accept my uneasiness regarding change as par for my particular course knowing that some of…