In the beginning, I couldn’t imagine talking about anything else. Did you hear? My husband died. I’m a widow. You have something else to talk about? Why? Is there anything else in the entire world that matters as much as this fact? Talking about anything else felt like forcing my brain to think around the sound of a tornado tearing through…
life after loss
Strut
It’s been said that once we have found the true path, destiny unfolds before us like a red carpet. I’m a believer of that and the fact that much of destiny (if not all) is determined on our ability to self-propel ourselves into it. Sometimes we don’t notice our forward trajectory and the red carpet unfolds at a slow speed, that years…
Random Thoughts from a Disorganized Mind~
Each morning I wake up, knowing I slept, so I’m glad for that, but not feeling rested at all. By the evening, after a day spent getting through, well, the day, I’m done in. I take melatonin when I remember and that helps sometimes.Since my husband’s death, I’ve taken my wedding ring off entirely, along with my engagement ring, put them back on,…
Loss
I was stuck for ideas the other day in art class and the teacher was trying to help me brainstorm. Make it autobiographical, he said, in his cheery 20-something voice, about the movie poster I was assigned to create.Autobiographical? I thought. Huh. Yeah. I began to sort through my life events. Lost my mom (and my dad, too, if we’re talking…
Popped
There are many things I’m certain of in and of myself:I am strong.I am resilient.I am confident.I am driven.I am passionate.I am a rebel.I am a lover.I am a giver.I am a life embracer.But I must be honest.Last year, I found myself challenged.Now, I must preface that with that fact that I live for challenges. I thrive off of them.And yet, when I…
Clean or Dirty
Something I’ve begun to distinguish since Dave died is clean pain versus dirty pain. I can’t remember the original source of this idea, though I’ve read about the concept several different times. Clean pain is the pain we feel when we lose someone or something we love dearly. It’s the pain we naturally feel when we’re ripped from…
26 Weeks
This Saturday, I will be 26 weeks along. The last time I was 26 weeks pregnant (to the day), my husband dropped dead.Oddly enough, for all the anxiety I had about becoming pregnant, it’s been relatively normal and hasn’t caused me too much grief. Until I hit the half way mark. Ever since, my brain audibly tells me with each passing Saturday, “only…
Distraction
A very wise woman (also a widow) once me that when things get really-rock-bottom-bad; find a distraction. A new distraction that doesn’t carry the weight of memories that include him. I do a range of things at 2am when the darkness creeps in. I read (always a solitary activity for me), or play endless games of solitaire and then pin things on…
Missing Out on Things
Lately I have been thinking a lot about where I have been, where I am going.. and how lucky I am. I can’t help but think about my husband. About how he didn’t realize how lucky he was. I know he had no idea how much he would be missing out on by choosing to leave this life.I don’t think he had the slightest idea of how much LIFE he…
Living For
“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for.” What is your answer? Don’t try to categorize into a million things. What are the hand full of basics? For life? For you?For me, what I’m living for is love, peace, and joy. (And the ability make it sound like…