Well it was Thanksgiving number 5 without Daniel. I’ve said it before, but really, it is just hard to believe. It seems like he was just here. This was the first one that wasn’t quite so difficult to bear. Grayson and I usually go to the coast with my family and spend a couple of days fishing, collecting sea shells, feeding the sea gulls (like this…
hope for widowed
You
I have the very distinct honor of leading a group of the most compassionate people I have ever met. Really. When I tell someone what I do for a living, I am generally met with a questioning look and an awkward silence. Since I don’t look like a widow đ the person across from me generally spends a few seconds trying to figure out WHY I am the…
Mind Over Matter?
I used to believe in that phrase. After all, if you just tried hard enough, if you just had the right attitude, if you just pulled yourself up by your bootstraps …. your life would be better. Right? Well, this phrase worked for me until mid December of 2007.Then my life was shattered, along with my heart, and my life became “matter over mind”. …
Musical Monday
Much of the music that spoke to me right after Phil’s death was important because the lyrics articulated feelings I was incapable of expressing. Even now, after writing countless words about my journey through the loss of my husband, there are times when nothing communicates my inner turmoil like the phrases penned by someone else. When I first…
the hardest part
As a widow with young children, the worst thing about parenting now is NOT watching fathers whirl their delighted little girls around in the air or push their little boys on the swings. It is NOT arriving to your child’s dance recital alone and wishing that someone was there to experience the joy and pride with you. It is NOT that you are now…
Insert Soul Mate
After traveling the last 18 hours, I have arrived home! Ireland was amazing and lived up to all of my dreams and expectations (though I had set none). From Cork to the Wicklow mountains, I compiled a dictionaries worth of memories.With each new locale I’m blessed enough to see, I capture some of the best shots through the lens of my camera that…
growing up
In the first days after being widowed, I was much like a young child. Oblivious to the world around me. Completely in my own little realm – though not one of wonder but of grief and fear. My existence was confusing. I didnât understand what had happened. I relied on others to care for me. To make sure I was fed, clothed, and essentially,…
Ready or Not?
I loved being married. Knowing that I shared a commitment with my husband to face life together, come what may, was a daily comfort to me. I didn’t miss dating; I didn’t long for freedom; I didn’t feel limited; I didn’t fear slipping into complacency. Looking back, I even miss the hard work that was required to create a harmonious union. Phil and I…
My Other Car is a Porsche
You know those bumper stickers that say things like, âMy Other Car is a Porsche?â The implication is that the driver isnât quite satisfied with their real car and that they have a much nicer one parked at home. I can appreciate this sentiment.My âother carâ is my other lifeâthe one I was supposed to be living right now complete with a…
I Can’t Make Up My Mind …. Part 1
…. I really can’t. Not about everything, but by a couple of kind of big things, one of which I have no control over whatsoever: my sons and their similarities with their Dad.Son #1 is so much like Jim that it amuses, stuns and stops me cold sometimes. I find more humor in it than sadness, but there’s still the sadness. He has the same dry sense…
The Value of a Friend (part One Million and One…)
These are the faces of a few of the women who celebrated 40 with me in Vegas… interestingly enough, all of them had read last week’s blog and were still brave enough to go! Thanks guys! I’m not usually as black as last week, and I think I stirred up a few worries with that post. It is what it is, and most of the people in my life get it, or at…
Awkward
When I meet people for the first time I feel like I am keeping a secret from them. Looking at me, they would never guess what I am hiding. I can carry on an intelligent and interesting conversation without revealing the circumstance of which my new acquaintance is unaware. Depending on who they are I may even artfully dodge inquiries that would…