Widow's Voice

Widowed

Becoming…

| Posted by:

There are qualities that I yearn to possess again.  Things both tangible and otherwise.  There are attributes both big and small that I miss about the woman I used to be.  Namely, I miss her joy.  I miss being joyful and joy filled.  I miss being completely enamoured with my life.  I miss being happy.  I miss feeling content.  I miss being at ease in my own life.

Mike brought to life all these things inside me; and, without him, I have not been able to successfully recreate any of this.  After nearly four years, I have been unable to find my place in the world without him.  I endlessly search for a sense of belonging.  I work tirelessly to reestablish a feeling of contentment and I have been largely unsuccessful.  All feelings of joy and peace that I have experienced since he died have been fleeting at best.  *Sigh.

Yes, I miss him, but it is more than just missing Mike now.  I miss what he brought to my life and who he brought out in me; and it bothers me that without him I seem unable to manufacture my own sense of happiness.  I miss all that I was when I was his.  I miss sharing my life with a man who utterly adored me.  I miss being wildly and madly in love.  I miss the all the richness Mike brought to my life.  I miss the woman I was when he walked the Earth by my side.  And, I hate that it is so ridiculously hard to live without some of the best things you ever had.  But, I am doing it because I was not given a choice.  We are all persisting and living forward because life demands that of us, but this sure is weighty stuff.

I Don’t Think I Could Stay

| Posted by:

Talking to someone who has lost a loved one isn’t the easiest situation. Many people get anxious, some shut down, some unintentionally say the wrong thing. I try to remember that they are hoping to meet me in a space of support by saying something and when that something comes out wrong (which it inevitably […]

Time and Space and Fantasy~

| Posted by:

Bear with me as I write this. I’m a total and complete Outlander fan, but the words I’m going to write aren’t because I swoon every time I hear James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser utter the word Sassenach. No, my words are about why I’ve connected so fervently with the series, and then the books, […]

From “What’s wrong?” to “What’s possible?”

| Posted by:

Image by Leonardo Santamaria for NPR Confession: I have no idea where this piece of writing will go. Another confession: That happens quite often with these blogposts, though for sure much of my writing comes from a specific incident that has stood out during my week. Other times I latch onto a song, a poem, […]

Apologies

| Posted by:

I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur and widower, sometimes I feel like my “lives” clash, and managing them is messy… In general, I am doing reasonably well. In my business, I launched a program designed to help men (widowers especially) rediscover their purpose in life (post loss).

See How They Shine~

| Posted by:

Sailors of old had the right idea. They looked to the stars to place themselves as they rode the ocean waves. I’m here, they could say, after sighting particular stars and constellations. Rising stars and setting stars dipped above and below the horizon at set points of their days and nights. They watched the night […]

Sliced and Diced and Cored

| Posted by:

Main Photo by Nikolai Chernichenko on Unsplash I have written quite a bit about my challenging relationship with Death Admin. That I despise it. That it’s painful. That it takes too much time and energy and money. That it is prone to make me cry bitter, angry and hurting tears. And that most of all, […]

Future Gifts

| Posted by:

People will often ask how I’m able to keep going after such difficulties losing my father and than my partner within 10 months of each other. Well here is the secret… I just keep trying. Yup that’s it. I keep trying. That is the magical answer I have for you. Some days are fantastic and […]

Claw Marks~

| Posted by:

Supporting Chuck as he died. The hardest, most impossible, most unbearable thing I’ve ever done. It was my job, as it was for all of us who walked with our loved one as they lay dying, to make it as easy as possible for Chuck. Or at least, that’s how I saw it. Out of […]