It’s been a grief goal for me to return back to “normal”. I have put into place fail-safes to reestablish pattern, predictability and self-protection. That’s normal self-preservation. Now I am starting to feel more comfortable in my day-to-day. I have realized my new “normal” has also kept me from enjoying aspects of a “normal” life. […]
Widowed & Unmarried
Road Test
After Robyn informed me that her granddaughter had been selected to perform the national anthem at a Major League Baseball game, I took steps to secure very good seats close to home plate with an excellent vantage point of both the field and her granddaughter. Just before game time a young woman emerged onto the […]
Authentic Anger
I’m harder on myself more than people realize. There are times I haven’t honored my feelings because I just try to see the bright side of everything. I have a high tolerance for others but sometimes I look the other way more than I should. I have to remember to give myself grace during growth […]
Marbles, Memories and Recycled Reminders
Some weeks go by and I find myself searching for signs or situations that give me insight into what I should write about each week. I fought looking for inspiration. I felt if i couldn’t write about Tin (or my life without him) that I was losing him more. Stressing about sharing sunk stories deeper […]
An Unwanted Independence Day
Tomorrow is the fourth 4th of July that I have an independence I never wanted… Tomorrow is our anniversary. Fitting that the start of our short journey together would be full of fireworks because that is exactly how I felt every time I looked into your eyes. You lit me up and now I have […]
Red, White, & Very Blue
*Content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation/suicide and psychiatric hospitalization July 4th is one of those holidays that maybe you wouldn’t expect to be grief-y, but for me it is. Maybe it is more trauma-related rather than grief. Anyway, I thought if anybody would understand, it would be fellow widows and grievers. So, I thought I […]
Levels in Life
Clayton, I gave the bike away. The one you gave me for Christmas. I was going to ride it to work but life. Right? You got sick. I needed to have my car so I could get back to you as fast as possible each of every “our last days” and then you died – […]
The Care Griever
Summer has hit on the beautiful stretch of Florida beach I call home. The area is buzzing with tourists and that means I’m hanging close to home for the busy season at work. My career is animal care. This week I had friends staying just a bit to the east of me about an hour […]
Satisfied?
You know how on surveys or mental health screenings sometimes they’ll ask something like, “how satisfied are you with your life?” and they will let you pick on a scale of 1 to 5? I decided I really don’t like that question. But, maybe I don’t like it because I don’t know the answer. I […]
My Road to Return
I have been having a near death experience. You know, where your life flashes in front of you, all the memories, sights, sounds and smells. That rewind reminder, which puts your whole past into a present perspective. No, there wasn’t an accident or anything sudden, my near death experience has been almost undetectable. How so? […]
Finding Change
I’ve written about finding coins before and there was a long time I didn’t find any. This week it seemed everywhere I turned there was a penny. I think I found 8 total and 3 in just one day. They go in my pocket, I forget until later and it’s like I’ve found them all […]
Part of my story.
In the year right after Boris died, I was a bit socially withdrawn–I mostly spent time one-on-one with people, rather than in groups. And all of the people I spent time with knew me very well and also knew Boris and about his loss. I didn’t really have to tell my story to anyone. I […]