I wanted to write about the way we talk about suicide deaths, especially around the prevention of suicide. I am not sure that I have anything new or insightful that has not already been said before, but I think as a suicide loss survivor, I should speak up about how it feels to me. When […]
Widowed by Suicide
Another Suicide Loss
Last week, news broke that Stephen “tWitch” Boss died by suicide. As a survivor of suicide loss, each time I hear of someone else dying this way I feel a little crushed. It’s like my brain can’t process how or why this keeps happening to people. The subsequent days filled my news feeds with things […]
Account Changes are Hard
Today the plan was to write about how we put things off because we know it’s going to be hard. We have enough hard so if there’s a path of less resistance, I might just follow it. And then I put writing this blog off all day. Clearly, I’m sticking with my theme of stalling […]
Thankful and bitter.
At the time of year when we traditionally pause to give thanks and reflect on the things we are grateful for, I often feel like a bitter person. I feel like everyone else is so full of gratitude, even amidst pain and loss, and I am just…not. The truth is, I am grateful for so […]
Hug a Widow(er)
This weekend I went out with some girlfriends. Our original plans were foiled when the cover band we wanted to see had to cancel their show due to illness. So, we pivoted and ended up at a country bar that recently reopened. I don’t know when the original one closed, but I can tell you […]
100 years to live.
This weekend I went to a family friend’s 100th birthday celebration. I think it was the first time I’d ever been to a 100th birthday party and I am so glad I was able to be there. This woman is very special to me and my family, and someone who has touched so many lives […]
Birthdays Can Be The Worst Days
Last Wednesday was Tony’s 2nd birthday since his passing. He should have been 45 but he is immortalized at 43. Having already checked off a birthday without him last year, I thought I was mentally ready for this day. I was wrong. When I woke up on the 2nd, I felt the weight of the […]
Halloween Changes
Today is Halloween and per usual my feelings are complicated. I have always loved Halloween, it’s right before my birthday, I love dressing up and expressing some creativity. Before Tony and I had kids, we used to have a big party every year and we usually put a lot of thought into our costumes. Once […]
Stress Manifested
Last Monday, I was feeling a small sense of calm after weeks of high stress. I’d been stressed with the daily tasks of parenting and adulting my household alone. While grieving heavily as the longevity of this loss came into focus. Monday afternoon I sat down in the chair at my hairstylist because shocking, these […]
Remembering the fun.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the sadness, shock, and trauma of Boris’s death that I forget how much fun we had. The memories that flood my brain are often of fights or things I should have said or should have done differently. Regret and “what ifs” are common. And, I think because of […]
Missing Him Until My End
We grieve because we love and lost our person. Until I was grieving, I didn’t really understand the depths of my love and how much space is carved in my heart for Tony. This week I’ve been grappling with the realization that I will miss him for the rest of my life. It’s something I’ve […]
Some days I still can’t believe it.
Sometimes it still takes my breath away. The realization that he is gone. That he is never coming back. That one minute he was here, and the next he was not here. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes. Days can come and go, and he is always on my mind, but most days […]