A repost! Join me next week to read about this year’s birthday.
August has always been such a busy month in our lives. Our entire family’s birthdays. Summer plans, parties, trips…memories. This past month, mostly these past two weeks have been more of a rollercoaster than I remember last year being. This was the first August since Erik’s passing that I was less numb and more aware of my feelings and what was going on around me.
Birthdays have always been a big deal in our household. Almost every holiday is a big deal to us. We took any chance to celebrate very seriously. It was just who we were. I met Erik the day after my 21st birthday, which makes celebrating my birthday a double whammy. A double grief whammy. This year I thought maybe I could get back to celebrating. I had slowly started learning that I could have both grief and joy at the same time. That it was okay to be both happy and sad at once. I thought that I could celebrate not only another year of making it through life but also celebrate and honor the anniversary of when we met. We always took trips for my birthday so I decided to keep with that tradition. Although spending quality time with some of my closest cousins was truly amazing, at the end of this trip I realized that I wasn’t quite ready for celebrations. I kept trying to feel that joy, but most of the time sadness took over. And that’s okay. I realized I was not quite where I thought I would be. Being okay with where I am in my grief made me feel empowered.
As the trip came to a close I started to get my mindset back to my environment. My reality. Solo parenting. The following weekend was potty training time for the twins. It was one of the parenting responsibilities that intimidated me the most. It was one of the things that Erik had said he would take point on. As I started prepping for this, both physically and mentally it became so apparent that I was truly doing this solo. The three full days of potty training was one of the first milestones I had done alone since Erik’s passing. To say it was tough is an understatement. Those three days became the harshest reminder of being solo, yet became one of the ‘proud mama’ moments I’ve had to date. Join me in my next blog post to get a glimpse of those potty training days, including a panic attack I did not expect.
And just like that August slipped away…
*Story behind the photo: Erik had pre-planned a cake smash photoshoot for my 30th birthday. He had thought this was a hilarious idea paired with my love for photoshoots. He passed away five months prior to my 30th birthday, so in his honor and to fulfill his idea, our photographer and close friend pushed me to follow through with the session. I hope he sees this from where he is and bursts into laughter like I know he would.
