It’s time for me to prep for Camp Widow in San Diego this week. There are lots of tasks to get myself ready to be away from home for almost 5 days. Packing myself, scheduling the kids with grandparents, lining out their schedules, the list goes on.
Last week, I received a survey from Soaring Spirits as part of their pre-camp preparations. One of the questions on the survey asked me to describe my widowed experience in four words. FOUR words?! There are so many more than just four. There are also a few expletive four-letter words I could describe it with. After those initial gut reactions, I resettled myself.
What four words would I use to describe my widowed experience these last three years? Here are the first ones that came to my mind.
EXHAUSTING
LOVED
HARD
ONGOING
It is EXHAUSTING to grieve, to live a life you never imagined, to oversee every household decision, to parent alone, to do all the things, all the time.
Through it all, I am LOVED. Old and new friends have shown up in ways I never imagined. My little dudes love me as much as I love the crud out of them. Both of our families continue to love and care for all of us. Maybe all that love was there all along, but I see it and cherish it better now.
Holy guacamole is it HARD. For a lot of the same reasons, it’s exhausting. Grieving is just hard work. Staying present and continuing to love in life is hard.
ONGOING is one that I don’t think anyone realizes until they live it. While the level of intense grief I feel will ebb, flow, and change over time, it will remain ongoing. I am Tony’s widow until I die.
Those are the four words I am reflecting on as I head into my fourth and final Camp Widow San Diego. There is a lot to do this week before my flight takes off. However, the HARD work is worth it. Plus, I cannot wait to be surrounded and LOVED on by my widow squad.
