Widow's Voice

Forever 32

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Photo by Donyã Green on Unsplash

I found myself lying wide awake at 10:49 the Monday night before my birthday wishing that midnight just wouldn’t come. And that if it did, that my birthday wish would come true. That when that clock struck 12, I would find myself back in 2022 before what would become the worst day of our lives. It has now been three birthdays without Erik. Three celebrations that just didn’t feel like celebrations anymore. It was a marker of yet another year where I got older as time stayed still for him. This was 32. I am now the same age as when Erik passed. As I lay there reflecting on my life I still couldn’t believe my reality. This was not how I imagined 32.

I did not want to celebrate my birthday this year as much as everyone around me did. That morning I woke up and had no interest in the day at all. I didn’t want to look at my phone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to disconnect. When the twins woke up they greeted me with the sweetest, “Happy birthday, Mama!” and they started singing and were so excited that I actually couldn’t help but feel joy in that moment. Again, they didn’t realize how much I needed them. How much their innocence and happiness just rubbed off on me. So I spent that morning melting into their hugs just a little longer than I normally do.

The day after my birthday was also the day Erik and I met. This year I tried my hardest not to think about it. I kept busy as I normally do and it was exactly what I needed for this moment in my life. I already had so much anxiety from my birthday and I couldn’t deal with getting lost in my thoughts for the day after as well. A breath of relief washed over me that night as I laid down for bed. I made it through yet another year of these two significant dates. And as that set in I started crying. Out of nowhere, tears started streaming down my face. What was going on? And I felt a deep knot in my stomach. All I wanted at that moment was to hug Erik one more time. The desire for his arms to embrace my entirety against his chest once more. At times I feel like I’m married to a ghost. I miss him so much and wish more than anything that he was still here. Another year older and another anniversary missed just brings those feelings lying beneath the surface every day come to the forefront. Forever 32.

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.