Last weekend I went to Nashville for a belated birthday trip. One of my best friends from college and I flew in to meet there. The trip was for us, but I knew it would bear reminders of Tony at every turn. I enjoy some country music and prefer the 90’s era from my high […]
Widowed by Suicide
Birthday Grief
Each year Tony’s birthday seems to hit me differently. Some people say the first year after losing someone is a fog. I think it only looks that way in hindsight. The first year is an onslaught of pain; around every corner is a reminder, each turn of the calendar is a new first without. Looking […]
Well, my Daddy is Dead.
A repost! Greetings from Europe…join me next week to read about some of my adventures traveling with the twins for the last two weeks! Yesterday Charlotte took me by surprise. As we were getting ready for a birthday party I had said something to her about pooping and out of nowhere and just randomly she […]
Bittersweet Reminiscence
Reminiscing is a blessing and a curse. The number of people who will ever know Tony is finite and that number will never be larger than it is today. I enjoy recounting stories with those who knew him well because we are usually sharing the memory. Even when I’m given the space, it’s harder to […]
“I want to give your kids the world.”
As the twins’ birthday trip nears I have found myself caught in a whirlwind of emotions. More so than normal. Any time I’m getting ready for a trip I find myself thinking of Erik more often than I already do. So why do I continue to do it? Because traveling also makes me feel closest […]
Future Inquiries
“Are we going to get a stepdad?” my then 7-year-old asked me. It had been less than one month since Tony died. Like all deep questions posed by children, this one was at bedtime. It was a question for which I was unprepared. I do remember stumbling through an answer. If my widow memory is […]
Bookmarked
The last few weekends have been so busy for us. Part of it has been trying to fit in all our fall traditions before we leave for the twins yearly birthday trip and the other part was trying to keep up with our daily lives. As the start of the ‘ber months began it just […]
Sick and Solo
It was bound to happen. For four years I have managed to avoid contracting Covid, but that changed last week. When Tony first passed in 2021, I worried about it a lot. How would I manage taking care of the boys while taking care of myself? Where would it be best to quarantine? Could someone […]
The Impossible Question
Lately, I’ve been really struggling with figuring out an answer to “the question”. The question that I keep dreading in the back of my head each day. The question that the twins keep asking more and more of as the days go by. What happened to Daddy? As they get older I feel the anxiety […]
Time
Welp. I wrote this last week and must have forgotten to hit the publish button. Goodness me. So here it is, a week late. In her book, The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin writes, “The days are long, but the years are short.” I haven’t read her book, so I don’t know the full context in […]
As the Seasons Change
A repost as we get into the holiday season! The reality of the seasons changing is hitting me a little differently this year. This past week we took our family photos for the upcoming season and it was the first true holiday photo session I had joined in with the twins since Erik’s passing. It […]
Tackling Football
My youngest son was in first grade when his dad passed. In second grade, he started playing flag football. Football quickly became one of his favorite sports. When he was in third grade, he stayed at practice late one evening dreaming up new plays with his coach. I remember him coming home that night and […]