The last few weekends have been so busy for us. Part of it has been trying to fit in all our fall traditions before we leave for the twins yearly birthday trip and the other part was trying to keep up with our daily lives. As the start of the ‘ber months began it just felt like there was so much societal pressures to do all the holiday “things” as a family. But also the obligations of not wanting to say no to anyone. That pressure really presented itself when Erik died. Since his passing I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt over what the twins will be missing for the rest of their lives. Their dad. It was one of the important things that Erik and I had discussed prior to us getting married. We both had similar childhoods and wanted to change that for our future kids. We wanted to give them what we might not have had and what we had wanted. For me that was giving them both parents that were present and happy together under one roof. And when Erik died this took that away. It blind-sighted me. They lost one part of a whole that was supposed to be there for them in their lives. And it is the one thing that I cannot give them back. It’s a realization that hits me everyday. I feel guilty that these are the cards that they had been dealt in their lives and they didn’t do anything to deserve something like this. So to make up for that feeling I try to do all the things that I possibly can so they won’t miss out on anything or feel like they are missing out on anything. And I know that I could never replace what they are missing most, but if doing even the little things that they want to do like fall activities or keeping up with the traditions we used to do with Erik helps them, or even me that is what I’ll continue to do. But the struggles of being a solo-parent during these times have become more apparent. It’s becoming harder to try to do it all as one person. One person, out numbered. And I know people constantly say you don’t have to do it all. It’s a saying I cringe at even more now. I know I don’t have to do it all. I know I don’t have to do certain things. But there’s a reason I do. Or a reason I at least want to try. Or when people tell me they are still young and you have time. But after going through the trauma I have I always feel as if I’m waiting for the next shoe to drop. And I don’t want to wait to do things with them because I know tomorrow is never guaranteed let alone another year. And I personally have been feeling more strongly about this because the thought that I’m their last surviving parent scares me each and every day. But lately it’s been hard to balance that want to be present and do everything with the desire to still be in the past where the life I wanted and dreamed of is. With the twins understanding and wanting to do and experience more now I find myself really thinking about how much Erik is missing out. It’s a thought that comes each time we do any activity. How much we had done when he was here, but now how much we have to do without him. It’s been tough trying to live in the present while also feeling as if I’m living in the past and not wanting to let go. I find a part of myself still bookmarked in a past where Erik is alive, yet I’m reading through the pages of a new chapter every day.
