It feels like it has been nonstop since summer began. I’m finally starting to catch my breath now that school has started again. The start of school always seems to be emotional for most parents. And I am one of those. Yet it always feels more than just emotions for me. The start of each school year for the twins reminds me of another milestone that Erik is missing in our kids’ lives. Yes, I get emotional about them getting older, but I also get emotional about our lives now. Our lives without Erik. I get sad that they will never be able to share any school experiences with Dad. I get angry that he is missing all of this. And I get overwhelmed with the thought of doing this all on my own for every school year after this. All the planning, prepping, decision-making. The decisions that could very well impact the rest of their lives. And yes, I know they are still so young, but the weight of having to be the sole decider of all things more than overwhelms me. I no longer have someone to help bounce off which decision would be best or which way we should go. And I’m not talking in the sense of a family member or a friend, but to not have my partner who is as invested in them as me to bounce off decisions anymore is hard to accept. A partner who is as much a part of them as I am.

The worries and weight of being the sole decision-maker have made me indecisive. I’ve never been an indecisive person before. But I find myself being more and more indecisive now even in the most simple of things. I miss knowing that someone else is there if I drop the ball. Or having that comfort of making a decision together. The indecision makes me second-guess all the decisions I make. I think a lot of that has to do with not only me wanting the best for the twins, but feeling bad that Erik isn’t here and wanting to give them anything and everything that would somewhat alleviate the fact that they will be living the rest of their lives without their dad. And I know there’s nothing that can fill that void, but if I could make their lives easier in other ways that’s what I strive for. And it’s tiring. Trying to make sure they don’t miss out on anything even though their dad is no longer here. Trying to make sure they are as happy as they can be before their innocence of what happened to Dad is really understood. Trying to be enough for them.

So the beginning of the school year is always a reality check for me. It reminds me of the truth I live in every day even if I’m too busy most days to actively think about it. It reminds me that every single decision is now my own. It takes me down memory lane, but also causes me to daydream about what would have been. But the most important is the reminder that even though Erik is gone now and each new school year will still begin without him, the twins will still always have me. Regardless of the emotions each new school year brings me.