Reminiscing is a blessing and a curse. The number of people who will ever know Tony is finite and that number will never be larger than it is today. I enjoy recounting stories with those who knew him well because we are usually sharing the memory. Even when I’m given the space, it’s harder to reanimate a scene with someone who barely or never knew him at all.

Friday night I was hanging out with two of the couples with whom we used to be inseparable. I decided to open the last bottle of wine I had from the 2019 trip the six of us took to wine country. Without Tony to share it with, it seemed fitting to at least have some with these friends.

That led to us reminiscing on our vacation. Using our collective memories as each of us remembered a different detail. Laughing as we remembered how much fun we had. It was five years ago next week and somehow when we’re together it feels like it was yesterday. The memories are so vivid, I can practically see Tony again. We were so happy, at least until Tony had to drive us all back to the airport. But that’s a different story, not ominous but slightly embarrassing and one that even in death can never live down.

Remembering him so alive is that blessing part. The curse is the heartache that he isn’t still here.

As we all sat laughing, I was also struck by how much I miss him. After 3 years the pain isn’t always front and center anymore. But moments like this bring it back to the forefront. I miss him, I miss us, I miss our coupled friendships, I miss it all. I can’t help but wonder how different life would be if he was still here. Even as the ache spread across my body, I didn’t want to stop talking about him. It hurts but it’s part of loving him.