As the twins’ birthday trip nears I have found myself caught in a whirlwind of emotions. More so than normal. Any time I’m getting ready for a trip I find myself thinking of Erik more often than I already do. So why do I continue to do it? Because traveling also makes me feel closest to Erik even if it heightens my desire to have my person still here with me. And I hope that this will one day be a way for the twins to feel close to their dad too. Traveling was so important to us so having this rollercoaster of emotions was never surprising to me, but it doesn’t make the feelings any easier to deal with. This past week I found myself unable to control my feelings as much as I normally am able to. It felt like I was back to the first couple months where everything was making me burst into tears. Those first couple months where I didn’t want to talk or even interact with anyone aside from my own kids. I felt myself pulling away again. Getting back into a hole I knew all too well. A hole that comes once every so often when my feelings seem to overtake my brain’s ability to control them. As we were on our way to one of our events this weekend my maps had taken me to a part of town that I had been avoiding as much as I could since Erik’s passing. Now normally I’m pretty good at looking ahead at my maps and avoiding certain areas or going around it, but this time I just missed it. Between all the back to back things we had going it didn’t even cross my mind until I saw that street sign. That street that I only knew and took because Erik was so proud one day for finding a shortcut to our house. That street where we had an inside joke going amongst us. And before I could even catch my breath the tears started rolling down my face. Before I even knew what was happening I found myself sobbing in a way that I had been holding back as best as I could each and every day. My whole body shook as I gasped for air. It took me by complete surprise. I looked in the rear view mirror that was slightly blurry now and wished that the twins were too busy to notice because I knew I wouldn’t be able to form any response if they had asked me why I was crying. To my relief they had both fallen asleep. I tried to take deep breaths as best as I couldn’t still bewildered that something as random as that would make my emotions burst as if Erik had just died yesterday. And I reminded myself this was part of grief. It would always be with me. And I thought to myself maybe it was time I dealt with more of my emotions. Those emotions that I know I’ve been pushing down because even being in survival mode felt more than I could handle, even if I didn’t have a choice. Later that evening as I got home and finally tucked the twins into bed I went through the messages I’ve been avoiding on my phone all day. And there it was. One message that caused me to wail once again as soon as I read it. Again not being able to catch my tears and stop it before it began.
“I want to give your kids the world.”
That one line.
From one friend.
One friend that has shown the twins and I more kindness than I ever imagined possible.
One that never stopped checking in or reaching out to this day even if I don’t respond back.
The one friend that I considered our true family more than some actual family.
That one line made me feel something so deeply that I have been wanting and desiring for so long. To be able to give my kids the world. To know that the one thing they probably want most in the world I wouldn’t be able to give them. Their dad back. But knowing I would try my hardest to give them everything else that I could. It’s one of the consistent thoughts that goes through my mind every day. So the fact that a friend had sent that to me made me feel so much love not only for the twins but for me. I felt seen because I knew what they meant by that statement. And I knew how genuine it truly was coming from them. That one sentence that brought a moment of joy back to what had felt like being stuck back in the abyss of grief. That moment reminded me how thankful I am to have the people I do in our lives. Those people that would give my kids the world.
